Collateral Damage
by choose joy xox
Summary: When we're young we feel invincible, but it only takes a moment to shatter that illusion. For Spencer and Toby the shattered pieces of their perfectly constructed world are about to fall around them. What happens when one doesn't know if they have the strength to put those pieces back together? AU, a Spoby version of If I Stay.
1. Chapter 1

**New story. This is the one I've been promising forever, a Spoby version of If I Stay. You'll find that the Hastings are probably the most AU in this story, just because I wanted to make Spencer and Toby as similar to Adam and Mia as I could while still having them remain in character. Just, you'll see, okay?**

**Also, I don't even want to talk about PLL. I'm so mad. But I'm also so sure that Spoby will be fine. Take a hot second and think about who those kids are and everything they've gone through together and for each other. Toby wouldn't suddenly decide being a cop is more important. He has a plan.**

**So anyway, read and review okay? :)**

Prologue

It was cold. Later it would seem so insignificant, but it was what stood out to her that day. She would remember how she shivered when she kicked off the worn quilt that her Nana had made her or how her mom's hands sent goosebumps erupting along her exposed arms when she gave her a hug. She would remember how the hot coffee burnt her tongue, but how good it felt to have some part of her feel warm.

Some people blamed the snow, and to an extent she supposed that was true. They were no stranger to the occasional snowfall in south east Pennsylvania, but it was infrequent that so much fell in such a short period of time. They probably should have just stayed home, but the Hastings were never ones to back down from a challenge. But even more than that, the trip was a necessary evil. Pennsylvanians were overly optimistic about the weather. No one really expected the snowfall that blanketed their sleepy town that night.

But that was a metaphor for life, because what was life other than expected? No one ever anticipated the worst until it happened, but what were you supposed to do when it did? What do you do when the worst happens? How do you move on? Who do you have to become to survive?

What if you don't want to survive?

Chapter 1

"Spencer! Get your ass out of bed!"

She groaned and rolled over, pulling a pillow over her head. She hadn't spotted her alarm clock in the two seconds that her bleary eyes were opened, but she knew that it was far too early to be awake. She shivered, the cold air seeping underneath the blanket. Why must her father insist on keeping a frigid house?

"Just make coffee, it'll get her lazy bum up."

They were probably right, but for right now even the promise of coffee wasn't enough for her to tear herself away from the covers. It was just so warm. But it wasn't long until the aroma from the freshly brewed coffee roused her from her semi-conscious state, and like a cartoon character whose nose was following the swirls of smell, she made her way into the kitchen.

Melissa stood by the coffee pot, a grin on her face. "I've been gone for six months and I still knew how to wake her up better than you two did. Worst parents ever."

"They're the pits," Spencer agreed with a yawn, reaching blindly for a cup. Melissa put it in her hands, the grin still on her face. Spencer looked between the three of them, her suspicion growing. "What are you all looking at me like that for?"

"Well, we did a thing," her mom began slowly. "And you're not going to like the thing, but you still have to come."

"What?" She groaned plopping down onto her chair. "If it involves leaving the house you can forget it. It's like a blizzard outside."

Melissa sat down next to her, entirely too cheerful for anyone awake before ten am. "Um no. I just measured it for my Earth Science class. Exactly 2.75 inches have fallen, and the plows have already been down the roads. It'll be fine."

Her dad joined them at the table, taking the last bite of the muffin in his hand. "That _thing _involves going to see your grandmother in the nursing home. We haven't been in awhile, and I want to check on her."

"Nana?" She perked up, causing the entire room to laugh. "Shut up, you guys are assholes."

"So you'll come?" Her mom handed her one of the muffins. "We need to leave in a few minutes."

She glanced out the window, taking a small bite of her muffin as she examined the landscape. She couldn't see much as their property was surrounded by a line of trees, but what she did see was less than promising. It looked like her exact picture of hell. But it was for her Nana, and she supposed that her family could be pretty cool.

"Would it help if we told you that your young man could come along?" Her dad offered up, misreading her silence for the negative.

Her lips twitched. "It might, but alas he's busy today." The thought of Toby and her Nana together literally made her heart melt a little bit. Her boyfriend was quite possibly the sweetest person on the planet, and everyone loved him, but her Nana did especially. She actually might love him too much, because she was pretty sure that she caught her admiring his ass and mumbling something about nice buns the last time they were in the same room.

"Ah, what's the illustrious Mr. Cavanaugh doing today?" Melissa chugged back the rest of her coffee. "Just wear your sweats, sis. Nana won't care, and if we want to get there before lunch time we have to get going."

She shrugged and reached for her boots by the door. "You don't have to tell me twice. Also, Toby has a concert in Philadelphia today. Maybe I'll just stay after we're done with Nana and hitch a ride back with him."

Mom nodded approvingly from her spot by the sink. "He likes it when you go. He'd never ask you to come, but you can see the way his eyes light up when you talk about his music."

A soft snort came from her father. "When you were little I never thought I would like anyone you brought home. And as a dad, no one is ever really good enough for your daughter, but Toby comes hella close."

She laughed, popping the last bite of muffin into her mouth. "Dad, you did not just say hella." She grabbed the overnight bag that she had taken to Hanna's house last night, just figuring that she could go ahead and repeat an outfit. If Hanna was there she would silently judge her, but no one else would know or care.

Melissa linked arms with her as they walked out to the car. "Sometimes I find it hard to reconcile my experience with your puppy dog boyfriend and the rock star that he apparently is."

"Story of my life," she laughed, thinking of her cello upstairs. Despite her parents' obsession with the genre, she never expected to fall for someone of the rocker persuasion. Classical music was definitely more her speed. The chilling sound of the cello, the happy allegro of the violin, the gentle overture from the piano... she loved it all. But recently she had learned to hear the subtle beauty of the music her boyfriend and her parents enjoyed so much.

That being said, she still enjoyed a good round of Mozart over basically anything. "Since you all dragged me out of bed at the crack of dawn, can I at least pick the music?"

"Twist my arm," her mom laughed and passed her the auxiliary cable.

She smiled and plugged her phone, flipping to her favorite concerto. When the soothing tones of the music flowed from the speakers she leaned back and closed her eyes, the lids feeling heavy. She was never good at the morning thing, and any reunion that she could have with her bed was a win in her book. But she supposed that the back seat of her dad's car would do too. The drive to Philadelphia was the perfect length for a nap.

But almost as soon as she leaned back a back a grinding screeching filled her ears. For a second it felt like her stomach was twisting into knots like she was on the worst kind of roller coaster. There was a brief, blinding pain and then she knew nothing at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm not going to lie, I read this chapter of the book before I wrote this because I was failing at describing a car crash. A few of the imagery things are the same, but yeah. The rest should be much more different. I hope you guys like it! Thanks for the response!**

**Also, in case you didn't know, the title comes from the sequel, Where She Went. If you read it you know where it's from :)**

**Review, okay? Toby will be in the next chapter.**

Chapter 2

**9 am**

SPOV

She snapped her eyes open, the blinding light from the sun directly overhead practically burning out her retinas. She was laying in the snow, but she didn't feel the cold. It felt nice, kind of like the comforting warmth of a blanket just out of the dryer. Something was wrong.

She pulled herself up and blinked a few times, her eyes slowly adjusting to the light. The fir tree lined scenery is all she noticed at first. It was as familiar to her as anything was, but there was still some kind of subtle beauty found in the dark green and the pillowing snow on the branches. It was comforting, like going home. Was this a dream? She had fallen asleep, hadn't she?

Everything was fine, wasn't it? She felt okay. It was strange that she was standing in the middle of a ditch, but she _felt _okay. The grey sweats, black Uggs, and black jacket were identical to the clothes she had put on this morning. As she breathed out she saw the cloudy swirls floating into the air. It was obviously cold, but why wasn't she feeling it? She climbed up the embankment. Maybe there were answers at the top.

The first thing she saw was the car. Her heart plummeted as she took in the crushed, skeletal remains of her family's vehicle. Could it even be called a car anymore? What was a car other than door, seats, and windows? None of those things were there anymore. Only its basic frame remained. Were they in an accident? She couldn't imagine anyone walking away from that, but here she was, standing and feeling healthy and whole. She glanced down at her clothes again, her confusion growing deeper when she saw no blood. What was going on?

She saw her mom first. Two nights ago they painted their nails together, a simple red. That was what she had seen first. At the time it had been equated to a fire engine or a rose in her mind, but now she didn't know if she could see it as anything other than blood red. Because there was literally no difference between the red of her nails and the blood that was pooling beneath her head. She stepped over grey chunks that looked like cauliflower. She knew what it was. She knew exactly what it was, but it was something that her mind wasn't comprehending. Just like when she dissected the sheep eye ball in Biology 2, she couldn't comprehend that the orb had once been in the eye socket of a living, breathing sheep. Just like that, she couldn't comprehend that she was stepping over pieces of her mother's brain on the pavement.

Melissa was next, just a few feet away from her mom. She almost looked okay, her limbs spread eagle on the street in exactly the same messy way that she slept. But her skin was practically translucent, and her lips a sickly shade of blue. Something about Melissa's unmoving body struck a chord of panic in her chest like nothing else had. Not the car, not her mom. Melissa should have been okay, she should have been invincible. She was only 20.

Her heart raced as she walked along the scene of the accident. Where was her father? Panic filled her chest as she spun around and saw nothing new. She ran off to the other side of the car and saw a hand sticking out, a hand with blood red finger nails. The panic was replaced with confusion as she ducked around the tree and saw her own body. Blood pooled around her body, her arm twisted in a grotesque angle. She could see both muscle and bone where her flesh was ripped away. Blood covered the side of her face, where the skin was scraped away by the gravel on the side of the road. Her brown hair was wet from the snow and the blood. Honestly, if she hadn't recognized her clothes she wouldn't have recognized her ruined body.

She looked down at her shaking hands, looking between herself and the self that was on the ground. What was real? Was this all a dream? She spun in a circle, clutching fist fulls of her hair with each of her hands. This couldn't be right. She had to have fallen asleep in the car. But God, she had had nightmares before. She had dreamed of showing up naked to cello recitals, of breaking up with Toby, of losing all of her teeth... but her mind had never plagued her with something so vivid... so traumatizing. **_Wake up._**

_For as long as she could remember all she wanted to do was play music. So when jumping on her parents' bed didn't rouse them on Christmas morning she grabbed her cello and positioned herself equally between her parents' and Melissa's rooms. She actually should have thought of this to begin with, because it was much better. It was more festive and it was sure to wake them up.  
_

_Her first teacher had said there was no way someone as small as she was would be able to learn to play the cello with any skill, but as usual, she took that as a challenge. She might have only been 8, but she was certainly capable of proving those idiots wrong. She gently took the bow and began to play Greensleeves._

_It didn't take long for shuffling to sound of from the bedrooms. When her mom slid out the door she expected to be scolded. It would be worth it because presents, but as usual her mom surprised her. She bent down and pressed her lips to the top of Spencer's messy hair. "You're so talented, baby. Thanks for the best wake up call in the world."_

She fell to her knees, suddenly incapable of holding herself up. She had always been good at blocking out the world, but it wasn't working this time. All she could think of was the grey of her mom's brain, the blue of Melissa's lips, the incredible amount of blood that she had apparently already lost. It wasn't working.

It wasn't long before the sirens came.

**9:15 am**

Was she dead? Was this what it was like to die? Was she doomed to wonder the world as an ethereal presence, haunting the people and places that once held such significance to her? Was this what was next? Any minute a blinding white light was sure to beckon her to whatever afterlife was available.

But that thought was dashed as a team of paramedics began to lift her from the snow. Their frantic hands said that there was still a chance, that she was savable. But how? Her body looked to be in much worse shape than Melissa's, but they were already zipping her older sister into a black bag. But the pair of paramedics working on Melissa quickly explained that the lack of blood was a sign of immediate death, that Melissa must have gone first.

Maybe she should have been embarrassed by the exposed skin of her upper body, but she felt nothing but numb as her first her shirt was cut away, quickly followed by her pants. Blood had seeped through the white shirt, and the white skin of her stomach was marred by an angry, redish purple mark. A woman who couldn't be more than a handful of years older than she was, snaked a thin tube down her throat. "We need to get her to the hospital, stat!"

"What's the ETA?"

"15 minutes if we speed like hell."

"It's the only chance she has."

It was like she was listening to characters on a movie describing some fictional case. It didn't feel like her own life was hanging on the line. They pushed her body up and into the ambulance, three paramedics piling in after her and two more jumping in the front. Just before the doors were shut she slid inside keeping her eyes trained on her body. She didn't know what was going on, but what she did know was that it only felt right to stay with herself.

An older woman sat by her head, taking a towel, gently wiping the blood from her face. "You hang in there, baby. You stay strong, because that's the only way you're going to get through this."

She smiled at the gentle way the woman stroked back her bloody hair, feeling detached and vacant. It was the fuzzy kind of feeling that you got after getting drugged at the dentist. She was aware but unconcerned. Everything was confusing. But as they chugged down the road the stormy blue of the sky did nothing but make her think of her boyfriend. She wished Toby was here.

Actually, she was profoundly glad that Toby wasn't there because he might be on a stretcher next to her. Or worse. Her heart clenched in pain as she thought of Melissa's lifeless body. She didn't see her mom get zipped into a bag, but she couldn't see how she could have survived. She had no idea what was going on with her dad, and judging by her appearance she wasn't much better off than her mom and sister.

But she could take comfort in the fact that Toby was safe.

_His lips ghosted over her hair, causing her to shiver softly. She had never felt like this before and she loved it and hated it in equal measure. He was making her feel beautiful like she never had before, but it was causing her insecurities to flair up with a rage. "Why do you even like me, Toby? You could have anyone." As soon as she said it she regretted it. "I'm sorry, I just-"  
_

_He dragged his nose across her hair, bringing it to rest just above hers, their foreheads pressed together. "You really don't see yourself clearly, do you?"_

_"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I wasn't fishing for complements, I just don't get it. I'm nothing like the groupies that follow you around."_

_"If you think that's what I want you don't know me at all," he murmured, so close that his breath warmed her. "You're the only person for me, Spencer. You're just- unprecedented. There's no one else in the world like you, and there's no one else I'd rather be with."_

She played her first cello recital when she was 8. She had been told by multiple people that it was impossible... that she couldn't learn how to play an instrument that was roughly the same size that she was in such a short period of time. But honestly, even at 8, she appreciated their doubt. It made her that much more determined to prove them wrong. And she had rocked it, standing ovation and all. That didn't mean that she hadn't felt nervous though.

But as the ambulance approached the hospital the churning in her stomach far surpassed anything that she had ever felt. What was about to happen? As they pulled up to the trauma center the flurry of motion was too much for her to keep track of.

"I think we might have a collapsed lung! Someone get a tube in her and then get her down to the OR."

"Were there any other survivors?" A gentle looking nurse asked the paramedic who had touched her nasty, blood soaked hair.

The paramedic looked sadly at the ground. "Two were dead upon arrival. The male driver is in the bus behind us. He's doing better than her, but not by much."

"What about the other driver?"

"Broken arm," the paramedic muttered. "Drove herself to the ER."

"Damn shame."

She wanted to be mad at the other driver, she really did. But how could she? How must it feel to realize that your actions might have single handedly wiped out an entire family? She wished she could comfort them, to let them know that she didn't blame them. But that was all in the back of her mind. What she was focusing on was the fact that her father was still alive. She wasn't alone in the world. She still had some family left.

If her dad was gone, if he had joined Melissa and her mom, she didn't know what she would do. She didn't want to be an orphan. But that didn't even matter. He was alive.

She watched the doctors work on her, their actions much more proactive than the paramedics'. But that made sense. The paramedics sole goal was the sustain her until she got to the hospital, but now the doctors were trying to fix her. She had to job to keep up with the doctors as they pushed her down the long, dim hallway. "She's not responsive. We need to hurry."

It took her by surprise when in a sea of unfamiliar faces one jumped out that she recognized. "Aunt Pam!"

Her aunt's brown eyes both looked right at her and right through her. She stared at the her on the stretcher, tear tracks staining her face. In the stress of the moment she forgot that her aunt was a nurse at this hospital. "Spencer," she whispered, a trembling hand covering her lips.

"Pam, you should get out of here."

Aunt Pam's hair whipped back and forth as she firmly shook her head. "No, I can't leave her. Not now. She needs family by her side, and V-veronica would have wanted me to stay with her baby."

A painful sob ripped through her throat, the full weight of what happened finally hitting her. It took her aunt's acknowledgement for her to fully comprehend that her mother died today. Her mom was dead. She was **_dead. _**They would never wash the dishes together again. They would never laugh and run out in the spring rain when they just felt too cooped up. They would never be able to accomplish all of their plans. She wouldn't be able to take Spencer to college and help her set up her room perfectly. She wouldn't be there to try and slip some kind of puck rock, leather attire into her wedding theme. She wouldn't be there to see her graduate high school or college or to have her first baby. She wouldn't be there to help her with insurance and mortgages and car loans. She wouldn't be there to help her navigate the messy thing that they called life. She wouldn't be there because she was dead.

Her mother was dead, and maybe she wanted to join her.

As soon as she consciously desired death the machines that the doctors had hooked her up to let off a piercing alarm. "She's crashing! Someone get me a cart!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Guys, I'm getting emotional. This was a bad idea. This was such a bad idea. Advance apologies. Actually sorry not sorry. You know I like making you cry.**

Chapter 3

She stood in the corner, watching the nurses and surgeons flurrying over her prone body. The blood they were blotting out of her open abdomen should have disgusted her, but she looked on with a clinical fascination. That blood, it was a part of her. It constantly worked within her, fighting to keep her alive, flowing in and out of her ruined veins and arteries. She was losing so much blood, she couldn't even imagine that she would survive this.

But did she even want to survive?

She hadn't heard anything about her dad yet, but in this situation no news was probably good news. She had to stay strong for him. Because the only thing that was keeping her going was the fact that she still had a little family left. If she had any say in it she would hang on for him.

"I've got it. Close her up and take her up to recovery."

The anesthesiologist by her head stroked her hair as she turned a few knobs. "It's all up to you now, baby. We've done all that we can, it's up to you now."

Was she right? Did she get to choose how this ended? But even more than any of that, she was doubting whether this was real. How was it possible that she was having some kind out of body experience? But she had never had a near death experience before. She supposed that it may have been standard. The unknown was burning through her stomach.

She ran after the stretcher, wondering if speed walking was a medical prerequisite. She didn't know what would happen if she lost her body, but somehow it just felt wrong to leave it alone. No one was with her, but maybe her own silent vigil was enough. And who knew? Maybe since she was here her mom and Melissa also were. This was making her question everything that she thought she knew.

_"Mom, do you believe in God?"_

_Her mother sat down a stack of plates and looked at her for a second before gesturing to the table. "Why do you ask?"_

_"I don't know," she was only twelve, but it seemed like something she genuinely needed to worry about. Her Papaw died recently, and she was scared. Was he scared and alone? Was it dark where he was? She knew that he didn't like the dark. "I just want to know."_

_She sighed and sat across from her, looking at her thoughtfully before answering. "I definitely believe in something. I don't know that it's God, but I believe in something. But I also think that this is something that you have to decide for yourself, baby. I can't help you with this."_

_"Why?" She whispered. Most kids her age complained about their parents, but she genuinely loved and respected her. Her mom had never refused her help before._

_"I think that if we are ever going to truly believe in something you have to come to that decision on your own. You have to contemplate all the alternatives until you've ruled everything else out, and that's the only time you're going to be sure. And it's a really solitary thing. It's something that you have to do on your own."_

And maybe this was part of that. Maybe this was part of finding what she believed in, because she was still completely unsure.

She followed her body into the first room in a long hallway and watched from afar as they hooked her body up to various machines, snaking tubes into every opening and vein that they had access to. She cringed as they worked a particularly thick tube down her throat. If her senses had been working she was sure that she'd be screaming in pain, but as she watched her chest rise and fall as they turned the machine on she knew that it was a necessary evil. Apparently she still wasn't breathing on her own, and that certainly couldn't be a good sign.

"Are we going to get someone in here to clean her up a bit? She has quite the entourage in the waiting room right now, and I'm kind of scared to go back in there without news." The doctor looked to be about her age, and that was concerning. Perhaps she was a resident. The woman gently strapped her to the stabilizing board beneath her. She wasn't moving any time soon, so it seemed to be a pointless endeavor. But she hadn't gone to medical school.

A motherly looking nurse nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. Being a nurse had to be rough, because you had to watch traumas come in and out all day. Sometimes you could help them, but there came a point in time where you could do nothing. That feeling of helplessness had to be overwhelming at times. "I can take care of her. Go let them know that I'll come get them when she's presentable."

Entourage? Her family was- But she had seen Aunt Pam, so maybe Emily was here too. And maybe Hanna if someone had gotten a hold of her. And Toby? God, Toby. Would seeing him be therapeutic or painful, because she couldn't stand to see him go through any more suffering. He deserved happiness, and for whatever reason, he decided that he loved her. She didn't want to make him go through losing her, but she still wasn't sure that she wanted to live through this. How was she supposed to go on without her family?

She almost missed it as the resident walked out the door. She cast one last, longing look at her battered body before turning and following her through the long, twisting hallways. It was good she had followed her because she never would have found her way on her own.

When she walked in to the waiting room her guide was immediately accosted by Aunt Pam. "Linda, I need you to tell me what's going on with Peter and Spencer. I came back in here because my rational brain knows that it is the right thing to do, but so help me-"

"Pam," the woman who was apparently named Linda soothed. "we just brought Peter up from surgery. He's stable but critical. And Spencer- she's not doing as well. But we've done everything that we can, and we're cautiously optimistic."

Her eyes scanned the room as Aunt Pam questioned about their conditions further. Her dad was doing better than her, and that's literally all that she cared about. Her eyes fell on Emily's tear stained face and Hanna's hushed, panicked mutters into the phone and her Nana's stricken face and tense hands. Her eyes met various friends and acquaintances, and while it warmed her it didn't do much to repair her damaged heart. Because no matter who was there it didn't change the fact that her mom was gone. Melissa was gone. They both died and they were never coming back.

And Toby wasn't there. Had no one been able to get a hold of him? He always turned his phone on silent during practice, and occasionally he forgot to turn the volume back up later. Or maybe he thought a visit to the hospital would be too painful. She certainly understood that. But either way, she wished that he were here. She needed to see him.

_She ran down the hall, her flip flops making a very satisfying slapping noise against the linoleum. He was probably fine. The very small part of her brain that was working rationally knew that, but the rest of her told that small rational part to shut the hell up. He could be dead. He could have **died. **_

_She ducked into his designated room, and her shoulders relaxed slightly when she saw him sitting up and aware. She should have known that already. Her phone conversation with him was what had set her off to the hospital in a blinding panic, but it wasn't something that she was able to comprehend until she saw him for herself. "Toby?" Her voice cracked embarrassingly at the end as she crossed the room._

_He held his arms out for her and she fell into them willingly. His hand smoothed over her hair. "Spence, you're shaking," he murmured into her neck.  
_

_She laughed shakily. "You think? You're alright? You're really alright?"_

_"It's just my leg. I'm fine," he chuckled, tightening his arms around her. "Are you?"_

_She didn't answer, because it was a decided no. "Where's your dad?"_

_There was a long pause. "He said that coming to the hospital would be too hard after mom. But he'll pick me up tomorrow."_

_She hadn't even thought of that. She pulled away and framed his face with her hands. "Are you okay?" She asked him again, not asking about the leg this time._

_He looked at her with pain in his eyes. "I am now that you're here."_

"I'll be right back," Hanna whispered to Emily. She pulled herself up and walked by her and out the door.

She didn't know what it was, but something inside of her was telling her to follow Hanna; and despite what people may believe about her, she was never one to ignore her impulses. When she wanted something she went after it. She followed after Hanna, who actually seemed to know where she was going. She followed her through the hallways, struck by just how ugly the yellow tiles were.

The hallway suddenly gave way to a plant filled atrium. There was a food court down a ways and an information desk right next to him. But that wasn't what she noticed. Her eyes fell on the ones that she loved the most. The blue wasn't as bright as it usually was. It was dark from the heavy tears that streamed down them and onto his face.

"Toby," she whispered in a raw, broken voice. She took a stumbling step forward, stopping right in front of him. "Toby!" She whimpered, raising her voice. But he didn't see her. Why didn't he see her? She didn't _understand._

His eyes were on Hanna. She walked forward and threw herself into his arms. He caught her and buried his face in her hair. "What happened?" He whispered, his voice breaking. "Oh my God, is she okay? Are they okay? What _happened?"_

Hanna pulled away to look at him. Her lips trembled. "Melissa and Mrs. Hastings- they didn't make it," she whispered.

"What?" He pulled away and slid to the ground, his back against the wall and his knees to his chest. "They- what? _How?"_

She sat down next to him and put a hand on his arm. Spencer sat on his other side wishing that he could see her. All she wanted to do was pull him into her arms and kiss his tears away. She wanted to remind him that he wasn't ever alone, not even for a second.

Hanna hesitated before answering him. "A man in a big truck hit a patch of ice while they were driving around a curve on River Road. It was bad."

Dread filled his eyes. There was a long pause as he worked up the courage to ask Hanna what he needed to know. "Spencer?" He whispered, almost inaudibly.

Hanna bit down on her lip. "She's alive. She's alive, but she isn't doing well."

He finally let go. He sobbed loudly and hid his face in his knees. Hanna wrapped an arm around his shoulders and held him against her, their tears flowing at the same rate.

She was wrong before. Maybe she wasn't sure what she believed in when it came to heaven or hell. Maybe she wasn't sure if she believed in God. But she did know what she believed in. She believed in him. And as she watched his shoulders heave with the force of his sobs that was suddenly all that mattered.


	4. Chapter 4

**This is more of a filler chapter than anything, but here ya goooo.**

**I had my first teaching interview today! Send happy thoughts and prayers my way, if you please. **

Chapter 4

Somehow watching Toby cry was so painful. She couldn't feel anything, but suddenly she was feeling everything. It felt like an animal was clawing its way out from her chest, it's claws ripping her already tattered heart to shreds. All she wanted to do was to hold him in her arms and kiss away all of his pain. He deserved the world, and not tears. But it seemed like her presence in his life was causing him nothing but pain.

It seemed like an eternity until he looked up with blood shot eyes. "Can we see her yet?"

"I don't know. The doctor was talking to Mrs. Fields when I came out here to meet you," Hanna whispered, Toby's emotion clearly bringing out the same in her. "I'm really scared, Toby."

He squeezed her shoulders, because that's who Toby was. He was someone who pushed past his own pain to comfort other people. "Do you want to go back there or do you need a minute?"

She shrugged all while pulling herself up. "I need about a year, but we should also get back in there."

Not for the first time she was exceedingly grateful that Toby and Hanna were friends.

_She brushed a hand through her hair and smiled happily. There was something so satisfying about mastering a difficult piece. Math and history and english... they were all satisfying, but they weren't quite like this._

_"That was kick ass!"_

_Hanna Marin was literally one of the smartest people that she knew, but she talked like a thirteen year old hyped up on pixie stixs. It created quite the mental conundrum. She smiled and hauled her cello up and into its case. "What's up, Han?" She didn't know why she was asking. She knew what she wanted.  
_

_"Are you seriously going to keep me in suspense? You're worse than an episode of an angsty teenage drama, I swear to God. How did it go?"_

_She couldn't stop her smile from growing. "It was great. Everything was great. He was-" she paused, trying to think of a word to describe Toby Cavanaugh. "He was literally perfect."  
_

_Hanna squealed and snatched at Spencer's hand. "I told you! That idiot has been my neighbor since we were in diapers. I should have set you two up sooner."  
_

_"Hanna, you didn't-"_

_She waved her hand dismissively. "Details! Tell me everything! Did he kiss you? He bought you dinner, right? What else did you do?"_

_Her cheeks colored as she remembered the chaste kiss that they had shared before he walked her up to her front door like a perfect gentleman. "He was perfect," she whispered. "He even asked my permission before holding my hand."_

_She squealed again. "What an idiot. Are you going out again?"_

_"Tomorrow," she giggled. "we're going to this orchestra concert at Hollis."_

_"You dorks."_

Toby and Hanna started moving while she was lost to the memories, gliding through the crowded hallways. Toby crashed into a petite nurse and just shoved past her. Any other time in the world he would have stopped to help her, to apologize. But this was what she was doing to him. She was tearing apart the most honorable man that she knew, and if the accident didn't kill her that fact alone might do it.

He skidded to a stop just inside the waiting room, grabbing Hanna's arm to steady her when she did the same. She just looked at him. It didn't matter what the doctors were saying. All she could focus on right now was Toby Cavanaugh. He was crying. He was crying, and it was killing her. Maybe she didn't want to die. Maybe she wanted to live, even if her only purpose was to kiss those tears away... to let that beautiful angel know that he mattered.

_He shrugged off her hand and stalked off toward the door._

_"Toby!" She shouted, unable to keep the shock out of her voice. "Toby, stop!"_

_He stopped but he didn't turn around. She hadn't expected him to stop so she slowed, turning over exactly what to say to him in her mind. She walked around him and put a soft hand on his cheek. "Talk to me."_

_"I'm not good enough, Spencer! I'm never going to be good enough." When his voice broke she felt the final pieces of her heart crack. He didn't deserve anything but happiness._

_She put her other hand on his face, framing it with her hands. Tears that mirrored his own trailed down her cheeks. "Listen to me. You **are **good enough, and his inability to see that doesn't change anything."_

_"Then why did he leave me?" He whispered._

_She let go of his face and wrapped him up in her arms. Maybe if she held him tight enough she'd be able to keep him together. He held her just as tightly as they slid down to the ground together. She'd hold him all night if it helped ease the pain of his father's departure. "I love you," she whispered into his skin._

_There was a long pause. "Thank you," he murmured, pulling her tighter._

"-can see her."

Toby immediately looked at the ground, and she knew him well enough to know that it was because he was trying not to be selfish. He wanted to see her, but he didn't want to take that chance away from someone else.

"Toby should go," Emily said quietly.

Apparently Toby was as shocked as she was, because for some unfathomable reason Emily didn't really like Toby much.

_She smiled at Emily from across the room. Her cousin returned the smile halfheartedly before turning and walking deeper into the house. "What's her deal?" She muttered._

_She could feel the vibration of Toby's laugh. It felt nice. He put a hand on her shoulders and turned her around. "I've told you a million times, Emily doesn't like me."_

_"That's stupid," she shrugged it off as she usually did. "What possible reason would she have for not liking you? Emily likes everyone."_

_He shrugged and dipped down to press a lingering kiss to her forehead. "I don't know, but it's true."_

_She shook her head again. "That can't be it. I'm going to go talk to her." She shrugged out of his arms, and dodged his reaching hands._

_"Spencer!" He hissed, reaching after her too slowly._

_She just smirked, running after her cousin. "Em!"_

_Emily paused before turning around. "What's up, Spence?" She said softly, still looking awkward and uncomfortable._

_"Why are you being a freak?" She asked her simply. "This isn't like you at all."_

_She shifted uncomfortably. "Just let it go, okay? I'm fine."_

_"Emily." She grabbed her arm. "Are you kidding? What's going on?" She paused, studying her face. "Toby's right, isn't he. You don't like him."_

_"I-" she hesitated. "No, you know what? I don't. He's going to hurt you, and then I'm going to have to be the one to pick up the pieces."_

_It took about two seconds for Spencer to go from concerned to livid. She didn't know the first thing about Toby. "You're not going to talk shit about him. You're just not. That's never going to happen, but even if it was a possibility, trust me there's no way I'd be going to you now."_

_She didn't wait to see the look on Emily's face before walking away._

The hope in Toby's eyes might literally be her undoing. If she wasn't already at her breaking point this did it. He should be looking hopeful over a college visit or some unexpected money or a hug from a friend. He shouldn't be looking hopeful over this. This shouldn't have happened.

But before they could come to a consensus a barrage of alarms flowed into the waiting room. Their doctor took off and she sprinted behind her without thinking about it. If her body was in trouble she should be there to see it.

The doctors weren't rushing into her room, and for a moment she felt relieved until she spied the name scrawled next to the door. _Peter Hastings._


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it's been 11 days, guys! I know I usually don't take this long to update, but I'm having seriously intense writers block for this story. I have about a million ideas for this story, just not this particular part. But things should get moving pretty quickly.**

**LOVE YOU. Exiles will be up soon :).**

Chapter 5

She was shaking. She didn't need to see her hands to know that. She could feel herself trembling straight to the bone.

_Time of death, 1 pm._

There was blood. There was so much blood. People always reassured the loved ones that the deceased didn't suffer, but her dad's still, bloody, destroyed body shattered that calming illusion. Oh God, had he suffered.

_Time of death, 1 pm. Time of death, 1 pm. Time of death, 1 pm._

And even now, as she reclaimed her silent vigil over her own body, the mental picture of her family's suffering played through her mind like some kind of twisted carousal. Her mother's brains spread against the asphalt like rotten cauliflower. Melissa's blood soaked body. Her father's unrecognizable features on the surgical table.

_Time of death, 1 pm._

Aunt Pam hunched over her body, a gentle kiss lingering on her bruised forehead. "Come back to us, Spencer."

If only it were that easy. If only she didn't have a mind full of lingering doubts and uncertainties. Did she want to live in a world where her family didn't exist?

_She ran her fingers over the smooth neck of her cello, the rough strings tickling her sensitive finger tips. She loved that feeling. It was nerdy as hell, she knew it. But if she expected the cello to work with her to create music she had to treat it with respect. She had to handle it in the manner that it deserved._

_She sucked in a deep breath and gently ran the bow across the strings, the deep tone emanating from the strings relaxing her shoulders. She moved with the arches of the music, becoming one with the sounds. Nothing could make her lose herself more than a piece that she finally mastered._

_When she finished she was always briefly shocked. It was like she forgot where she was or even who she was for a second. She forgot everything but the music. She looked up at the smattering of applause from the family that had gathered to watch her. A family gathering was never complete without music, and as much as she didn't enjoy playing when she could see her audience... she had to educate these plebeians that shared her DNA on good music._

_"That was bomb!"_

_She had to stifle her laughter at Emily's attempts at being culturally relevant. It just sounded wrong, coming from her. But she appreciated the sentiment all the same. "Thanks, Em!"_

_"Just ditch your parents," Aunt Pam laughed. "Come live with us. We could use a little culture."_

Now she was alone. She was alone. There was no one left.

After Pam left she was expecting Toby, and she couldn't help but feel disappointed as Emily walked inside. She could almost feel Emily's perpetually cold hands as she intertwined their fingers together. "I'm sorry, Spencer."

There was a long pause where Emily didn't say anything, and she was genuinely enjoying the silence. When it was quiet she could pretend that it was just normal. That she was sitting in a hospital room with Emily, visiting some unrecognizable patient. Because she didn't even recognize her own body at the moment. But when people talked it became impossible.

Emily sucked in a shaky breath. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I know it might be easier to go with Aunt Veronica and Melissa, but you're my best friend. I know that I don't always act like it, but you are. You're the best friend that I've ever had, and I can't live without you, Spencer. I need you to tell me that I'm being an asshole or stupid. I need you to help me with my homework and tell me that I'm smart. I need you, Spencer.

She paused. "And Spence, I'm so sorry for being so mean to Toby. I just didn't want to lose you." She let out a quiet sob. "But it seems like I might anyway. I promise I'll make things okay with him. I'll fix it."

She didn't know if it was possible to cry in her current state, but she felt like she was going to sob. She felt like she was going to lose it, because this wasn't okay. She didn't want to hurt the family that was left, but she couldn't see how she could stay. She didn't see herself functioning in a world without her family.

Emily left without another word, and she didn't blame her. This situation was the epitome of terrible. She watched the door, and when no one else came through she let out a heavy breath and walked back out into the hall and into the waiting room. For a second she didn't see him, and her heart stopped. But after a long moment she found him and Hanna crouched down in the corner.

"Toby," Hanna whispered. "You have to go see her."

"How?" His voice broke. "How am I supposed to go in there? How am I supposed to look at her, knowing that her family's dead and she doesn't know? How am I supposed to look at her bruised body and know that I should have protected her?"

He thought that this was his fault? For the second time that night she slid down the wall next to him. How had she not seen that coming? As irrevocably false as it was, it was _so _Toby to think that way. He took the weight of the world on his shoulders, seemingly unaware of the fact that she was next to him, ready and willing to shoulder some of it for him. This wasn't his fault.

_Lightning flashed across the sky as he followed her into the house. She knew he was right behind her, but she kept walking anyway. "Spencer."_

_She ignored him. She told herself it wasn't because she was ignoring him. She just needed some aspirin before she did anything. She breezed past him and pulled open the fridge._

_"Hey," he whispered, a soft hand on her wrist before she even registered his presence behind her. He gently, always so gently, turned her around and shut the fridge. "Nothing happened. You have to know that nothing happened."_

_She smiled sadly. "I know," she murmured, brushing her hand over his cheek. That was never the question. She didn't care what Alison DiLaurentis, high school mean girl by day and trashy groupie by night, cared to imply. She trusted Toby Cavanaugh with everything. That wasn't the issue._

_But she wasn't sure what was. Why was she so upset? She tried to move past him again, but he caught her in his arms. "Spencer," he murmured into her neck. "Spencer, I'm sorry."_

_"No," she disagreed. "You don't have anything to apologize for."_

_He didn't speak for a long moment. "You're upset, and I'm not okay with that. What can I do?"_

_She didn't know what to say at first because she still wasn't sure why she was upset. "You might not want her, but she wants you," she said softly. "I just- There's nothing here, Toby," she pulled away and angrily gestured to herself. "I'm nothing. Why would you pick me? I wouldn't even pick me."_

_He looked horrified. He ducked down and brushed her hair out of her face. "No sweetheart. No. You're all I want, don't ever doubt that. I'm not going anywhere."_

Hanna visibly squeezed his hand. "If you were there you'd be in a bed down the hall or worse. If she lost you she really would have lost everything. But you're still here. You're alive and you can help her. Go see her. I promise you if she was here that is what she would want."

He nodded, brushing away the tears on his cheeks. Hanna pretended not to notice, keeping her eyes on the ground. "Tell her I love her."

"You can go see her first, if you want," he offered in a reluctant voice. He would have let Hanna go without hesitation, but they could both see that he didn't want that.

She shook her head. "No," she muttered. "She needs you."

"Thank you," he whispered. He pulled himself to his feet and ducked into the hallway. She gave Hanna a grateful smile before running after Toby. She had to hear what he was going to say. She couldn't miss a single second of it, because somehow she knew deep in her heart that whatever he said would be instrumental in her choice.


	6. Chapter 6

**Things change after this chapter. I don't want to go into too many details, but yeah. Things will be different :).**

**Review, okay? Honestly, this story is getting updated the slowest, because the reviews are more than a little disappointing. i feel like I have to work on my more popular stories first. So if you like this let me know.**

Chapter 6

SPOV

She hesitated outside of the door. She could see his shoulders shaking. He was crying, and it was literally breaking her heart. But she couldn't wait outside forever. She slowly walked through the doors and stood behind him. "Please don't cry, Toby," she whispered. Her fingers itched to hold him, to wipe his tears away.

"Spencer," he murmured, his voice breaking. His fingers reached out to touch her, but he pulled them away at the last second. "Spence, I don't even know what to say to you right now. I don't even know if you can hear me."

"I can hear you," she breathed. "I can hear you."

He put his face in his hands for so long. If she hadn't been able to see his shoulders heaving she might have thought that he had fallen asleep. He looked up so quickly that she heard his neck crack. "That's a lie," he whispered. "I do know what to say to you." There was a long pause. "Before I met you I was so lost. But you showed me that I mattered, and honestly? I never realized that I mattered until you showed me that I mattered."

He reached a shaky hand out and brushed her hair back with a feather light touch. His tears transformed into a soft sob. "Do you remember the first time that you came to one of my shows?"

She smiled despite herself as she thought back to the day that changed her whole life.

_She was nervous and she didn't know why. This was as relaxed a setting as she had ever seen. But as she leaned against the wall she could feel the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach._

_"You look like you swallowed a lemon."_

_She smiled, so glad that she brought Hanna and Caleb along. This was absolutely not her scene, but for Toby she would do it. But having Hanna and Caleb there made it a bit more comfortable. She opened her mouth to respond, but she was distracted as Toby walked onto the stage._

_He was beautiful. She knew that wasn't typical to refer to men as beautiful, but what else could she call Toby? The way he moved, it was literally poetry in motion. The way his arms bulged slightly as he quietly tuned his guitar, the way his t-shirt clung to his abs, the way his hair was perfectly styled... he was just beautiful._

_His stunning blue eyes scanned the room, and when they fell on her his lips relaxed into an easy smile._

_From the first chord she knew that this music was different. Rock was not at all her thing. She enjoyed the complexity of classical music, and she found rock to be lacking that complexity. But Toby was slowly causing her to rip apart all of her preconceived notions. Had she been right about anything?_

_When the last chords were struck and the band began to put down their instruments it felt like no time at all had passed. But when she looked down at her watch she was shocked to see that an hour had gone by. Getting lost in the music was not at all a new experience for her, but it was new in relation to this particular genre._

_It didn't take long for Toby to join her in her little spot of wall. "What did you think?" He asked her, almost sounding nervous._

_"I love you," she admitted without meaning to. When she realized what she said she looked down, blush coloring her cheeks. "I mean- um... shit."_

_He chuckled. "I wanted to say that first."_

_She looked up at him hopefully. "Really?"_

_He smiled, his eyes not containing any of the uncertainty that she felt. "I knew I loved you the first time I saw you play. I just didn't want to scare you away."_

_"I'm not sure that's possible," she admitted softly. "And your music? Toby, it was incredible."_

_"Really?" Now he looked uncertain, which was ridiculous. His music was amazing._

_She nodded eagerly. "The complexity of the melodies, the beautiful lyrics," she lowered her voice, "your voice... I loved it all."_

_He didn't respond this time. He just ducked down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. "I love you too."_

"I had loved you before that. I was sure that I loved you, but in that moment you became the single most important person in my life," Toby all but whispered. "It was too soon for that. It was way too soon for you to hold such an important place in my heart, but I couldn't help loving you any more than I could help breathing. And I didn't understand it then, I just knew it to be true. But I think that it's finally making sense in my mind."

It was possible to cry in whatever in between state she was in right now. The hot tears trailing down her cheeks proved that to her.

"You know my history. You know my background. You were the first person since my mom died that told me that I mattered, that I was worth something. And that meant literally everything in the entire world. I just- God, Spencer I love you so much."

"I love you too," she whispered, craning her neck so she could see his face and immediately regretting it. He looked heartbroken.

"If I could switch places with you I would do it. If I could give you my heart, my lungs, my unbruised skin... if I could give any of it to you I would do it. Because seeing you like this? Seeing you on this bed is infinitely worse than shouldering the pain myself."

She felt the exact opposite. The only silver lining of this whole shitty situation was that Toby was okay.

"I know this is all so manipulative. It's so damn manipulative, and I don't even care. Please don't leave me, Spencer. _Please. _I can't do this without you. I need you. After I lost my mom I should have known better. I should have known better than to let my life get so intertwined with someone else's. I should have known better than to let myself love someone else. Life is too fragile. Nothing good ever stays."

She slid to the ground as Toby reached out and grabbed her hand. She wished she could feel it. "It's not that easy," she whispered. She wanted to stay for him. She did. But it felt wrong. It felt like choosing Toby over her family. Shouldn't she go with them? Shouldn't they all go down together?

"If you go," Toby began again. "If you leave me, if you want to stay with your family- I understand. I get it if you have to go with them, but just know that I will spend the rest of my life missing you. There is no one else in the world for me, Spence. My heart is yours forever. When I say that I love you i mean it. I _love you. _It isn't the way I sign a letter or end a phone call. I love you with every single part of my heart. I love you. And you're the only person I'll ever say that to ever again. You're the only one who gets those words. You're it for me, Spencer."

What was she supposed to do?

"If you have to go I understand, but please don't. Please stay. You have to stay with me, Spencer. Please don't leave me. You still have a family, Spencer." She could see as his fingers tightened around hers. He leaned forward and rested his head against the sheets as though it was just too much, like everything was too heavy to bear.

She closed her eyes and leaned forward. _Please stay. _What was she supposed to do? How was she supposed to leave her family behind? But even as she thought that she knew that they wouldn't want her to join them. They would want her to stay. They would want her to live out her life.

As soon as she came to that realization everything started to spin. She grabbed the wall, pulling herself to her feet. She took a wobbly step forward before her feet fell out from under her. She fell toward the ground, but she never felt the impact. She couldn't feel anything.

A quiet beeping filled her ears.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

A soft pressure on her hand was keeping her tethered to reality. It was like an anchor, reminding her that this was not a dream. This was real. Just a little more work and all that she had to do was move her fingers. She twitched her index finger and was rewarded by an immediate gasp.

_"Spencer_?"


	7. Chapter 7

**I am so tired. I have to go to bed, but I finished this for you guys first! Thank me with a review, okay?! You all are pretty amazing. So yeah.**

**I HAVE ANOTHER INTERVIEW MONDAY. And I will be able to go into it telling them I've passed all of the tests I need to have passed to be certified for the position. It's like it's all coming at me at once lol.**

**Part 2**

Chapter 7

TPOV

"_Spencer_?"

His heart jumped in his chest as he felt her fingers move. They didn't quite squeeze his hand, but there was absolutely some movement. "Spencer? Can you hear me?"

For a second he thought that it had been his imagination. Was it his mind playing with him? Because he didn't think that he had ever hoped for anything more. She had to stay with him. "If you can hear me do that again, okay? Just squeeze my fingers."

When nothing happened he thought that he had imagined it. He leaned back, the crushing reality setting in on him. She was laying her in this bed, looking as broken and lost and it was killing him.

But then it happened again.

Her fingers curled around his, and this time they didn't slacken. His heart constricted. "Oh God. Spencer. _Spencer._" He choked back a sob and leaned forward to press the call button. Maybe he should run into the hallway to find a doctor. Maybe he should go get her aunt and grandparents. But he would rather gnaw off his own arm than let go of her.

For most of his life he thought that God hated him, or at the very least, he dropped him off in some forgotten corner of Rosewood, Pennsylvania. How else could he account for his neglected and fearful childhood? But if a life time of unanswered prayers culminated in this, if it meant that Spencer could be saved... he was okay with that.

He leaned forward, his lips hovering somewhere just over her heavily bandaged ear. "I just want you to know one thing, okay? If you forget everything else I ever told you I want you to remember that you are never alone, not even now. I'll never leave you, Spencer. I still wake up every single day loving you more than I ever thought I could. I know things are scary right now, but you don't have to face it alone. You never left me, and it's my turn to be there for you."

_Their screams still echoed in his heavy mind as he trudged through the streets of Rosewood. It was cold, or so he had been told. He wasn't feeling much._

_After an interminable amount of time he realized that he had stopped walking, and as he looked up he knew why. Spencer's small, blue house was as familiar to him as his own was. But it held much happier memories of warmth and laughter. No one that called that place home would ever scream the horrible things he had just heard. They loved each other. They were safe._

_His heart knew what his mind was afraid to admit. He needed Spencer, and that scared him. Because when you needed someone it gave them an opportunity to hurt you._

_Before he even made a conscious decision his feet started up the sidewalk. He knocked quietly on the door, half hoping that no one answered. He jumped as Mrs. Hastings pulled open the door. Either she had walked silently or his overworked brain hadn't picked up on her footsteps. She looked at him curiously. "Toby, are you alright?"_

_Great. He looked so torn up that even his girlfriend's mom could see it. He swallowed roughly. "Is Spencer here?" He all but whispered. He winced at how raspy his voice sounded. "If she's busy or isn't here that's fine. I can- I can um..." he trailed off._

_Mrs. Hastings hesitated. "I think she's taking a nap, but-"_

_He cut her off before she could finish. He diverted his eyes, completely unwilling to let her see the tears that were welling up inside of them. He wasn't going to wake Spencer up for something so trivial. "Can you just tell her I stopped by?"_

_Mrs. Hastings reached out and put her hand on his arm. "Toby, my daughter will literally kick my ass if she finds out I let you leave when look look like you swallowed a battery. Go wake her up or I will do it myself."_

_He nodded. If he spoke he was going to cry, and he wasn't okay with that. He slowly walked up the stairs and paused outside of her door before walking in._

_He almost smiled at the sight of her sleeping. She was so poised in her everyday life, it was almost nice to see her all messy and sleep muddled. He sat down on the sheets, just letting himself be comforted by her presence. There was something so indescribable about being with someone you were sure loved you unconditionally._

_He was about to leave, feeling better already. He wouldn't go home, but he could just wonder for awhile longer. But his plans were halted by a hand curling around his wrist. "Toby?" She yawned. "Are you okay?"_

_Holding it together was barely possible when Mrs. Hastings had asked him. When Spencer asked him the tears he had been carefully holding back for hours started to flow down his cheeks._

_She sat up in alarm. "What happened?" She whispered, pulling him into her arms._

_Usually he wouldn't have let her take any of his weight, but he leaned heavily into her. One of her hands got lost in his hair and the other wrapped around his body. "Are you okay?"_

_He just shook his head, burying his face into the hallow of her neck, losing himself in her comforting scent. He was okay. He was here in her arms, the arms of someone that loved him. "I don't know if I can handle being home anymore."_

_She didn't talk for a long time. She pulled him closer, her lips in his hair. "I know it doesn't really help, but I love you so much. I know that home really isn't your safe place to land, but maybe sometimes our homes after to be a person rather than a place."_

_"That does help," he whispered._

Her fingers shifted in his hand again, and he expected them to slacken, but if anything they tightened. "Just open your eyes, Spencer. Let me see that you're okay. Please just-"

His pleas were caught in his throat as a soft choking noise came from her. His heart stopped and he stood to his feet. "Spencer?"

A nurse bustled into the room, her eyes widening when she heard. "Shit." She walked to the wall and pressed a button before turning back to Spencer. "Sir, I need you to back away for a second."

He shook his head. "I don't want to leave her."

She tilted Spencer's head back and started unstrapping whatever was holding the tube in her mouth in place. "You don't have to leave the room, but I need you to give me space."

He really didn't want to move, but the last thing that he wanted to do was to get in the way of their saving her. Because they would. They would save her. She wasn't this far off person that vaguely resembled his girlfriend anymore. This was Spencer. They had to save her. "What's wrong with her? Is she okay?"

The nurse tossed him a brief smile over her shoulder. "She's trying to breath on her own. So I would say that she's doing a fair bit better."

He leaned against the wall and sunk to the ground, more relieved than he had ever felt. She was okay? She was really going to be okay. Everything he had ever wanted and not gotten, ever time he had felt alone and ignored, he would relieve those feelings again for eternity as long as it meant that Spencer would be okay. She was all that mattered.

_He smiled as she leaned into him. He hated high school, but he would miss it for this one reason. Spence was good at almost everything she tried, but one thing she wasn't that great at was waking up early. He held her up as they stood in the Commons, waiting for their friends to get through the breakfast line so they could find a table. "Do you want food?" He murmured into her hair._

_She shivered as his hot breath hit her skin. "I'm not hungry," she whispered tiredly._

_He laughed. Sometimes he hated his life, actually he was uphappy with it quite frequently, but it was moments like this when he realized that maybe everything was going to be okay. Spencer was here, and she was okay. And home was wherever she was. As long as she was okay he would be too. He led her over to the long table that Hanna and Caleb were sitting at. "I'm going to go grab something. I'll be right back."_

_She didn't really answer him. She just took her bag from his hand and used it as a pillow._

_"No sleep, Spence?" Hanna laughed._

_Spencer waved her hand without looking up. He chuckled and walked through the lunch line, grabbing enough food for the both of them. She would eat if it was in front of her. A year of dating had told him that much. Life was good today, and that was all that really mattered._

He watched on as two nurses worked to remove the tube from her throat. They snaked another tube in her nose, presumably to help her breath. "I would imagine she'd wake up soon, but I wouldn't expect too much of it. She'll probably take a few days to really become aware. She's been through a significant trauma, and the brain has ways of protecting that."

He nodded, standing up and returning to his silent, bedside vigil. "Can you tell her family?"

The first nurse nodded as they walked out. He grabbed her hand again and encased it in both of hers. "You're always so cold, Spence," he laughed through his tears, bringing their hands to his lips and blowing warm air on her frigid fingers. "I'm here. I'm right here, and you're alright. I promise you'll be okay, Spencer. It might be the hardest thing that you've ever done, but it'll be okay in the long run. You'll be okay."

His eyes raked over her body, from the massive cast on her right leg, covering it in plaster from her toes to her hip, to the bandages covering half of her face, to the bruises marring her ivory skin. She was so small... so hurt. But he would never leave her. He would protect her with everything he had. He couldn't have stopped this, but any pain he could prevent he would do it. He didn't care what it cost him.

He hadn't taken his eyes off of her face which is why he noticed it when it happened. She opened her eyes for just a moment before shutting them again. One, two, three times she blinked before keeping them open. No caffeine Spencer, low blood sugar Spencer, tired Spencer, drunk Spencer... he knew them all and he loved them all equally. But this wasn't a Spencer that he was intimately familiar with, and Spencer in Pain might be his least favorite one.

"Spencer," he whispered. He reached out and touched her unbandaged cheek. "Spencer," he sobbed. "Oh my God, Spencer. Oh God."


	8. Chapter 8

**I have to go to work. Happy PLL Day! If Spencer kisses Colin talk to caitycaites about how these stories are progressing because I probably died and won't be able to update anymore. Sorry not sorry. Blame the writers.**

**Review! Don't make me regret updating on PLL Day! High ho, high ho it's off to work I go.**

**Oh, also interview went good. Follow up this week :)**

Chapter 8

TPOV

Time ceased to exist. It could have been two hours or two days for all that he knew or cared. He watched her marred face with bated breath. She would wake up eventually and she would know that he was there. She would see him and she would know that he hadn't ever left her, that he would never leave her.

His thumb ran over her knuckles again and again. It was the only part of her that wasn't bruised, that wasn't broken. It was the only part of her that he wasn't afraid to touch. "Come back to me, Spencer," he whispered, briefly touching his lips to each knuckles. "Take all the time you need, but when you're ready come back to me."

He nearly jumped out of his skin as a hand curled around his shoulder.

"Sorry." Hanna's voice without her characteristic laughter was just so wrong. "But Toby, you have to go eat something."

He just shook his head. This wasn't a new argument. He wasn't going anywhere.

She rolled her eyes and produced a pear from her bag. "Can you at least eat this?"

Maybe that was a compromise. He took the pear from her and examined it. "How long as it been?"

"A little over a day." He was so glad for Hanna's presence, because he didn't want to elaborate. Minimal words were the key. He wasn't going to talk more than he needed to. He was going to wait for Spencer. He was going to wait for her before he did anything.

He nodded and took a small bite. She would wake up soon, she just had too.

"Anything different?" Emily murmured as she walked into the room with her mom.

He just shook his head, still not all that comfortable with Emily. It wasn't easy for him to be around anyone who had been as openly hostile to him as Emily had been. He knew she was sorry, but it would take him awhile to find any kind of comfort level with her. He didn't want to talk anyway. He would save his words for Spencer.

"Toby." He looked up to meet Mrs. Fields' eyes. She still looked sad, but that was to be expected. "Hanna already agreed to, and I was wondering if you would want to join us at my house until we get Spencer back up on her feet?" Her eyes lingered on their hands. "I think she's going to need you, maybe more than any of us."

"There isn't anywhere I'd rather be." Somehow when he talked about Spencer he always seemed to sound like a grand Shakespearean sonnet. That must be what love did to you.

"Good, now-"

But whatever Mrs. Fields was going to say was cut off by a pronounced whine from the bed. His eyes whipped back down to her face and he held his breath, muttering every single prayer to any god that would listen that she woke up, that she was _okay._

_"Do you pray?"_

_He looked up from his text book with a crinkled brow. Sure he had thought about religion before, but he hadn't ever really had an active discussion on it. He was afraid his less than favorable opinion of God might turn people off, but he was never afraid of that with Spencer. "God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms, no."_

_She shrugged. He was grateful that she apparently didn't see the need to question him further. "Yeah, I don't really either. It just seems like a nice idea, right? I asked my mom about it yesterday, and she said she doesn't either."_

_It did if you could count on him to give a shit. But he didn't say that. He glanced at her cello case, leaned against the wall across the room. "When are you going to play with me, Hastings?"_

_She shook her head, turning back to her Biology book. "They don't go together."_

_That was what she always said, but he also knew that it couldn't be the entirety of her issue. "What if I write a kick ass song for cello and guitar? Will you play with me then?"_

_She shot him a half smile. "I guess I really wouldn't have a choice, would I?"_

He was frozen. Maybe he should move to give Hanna or Emily room to stand next to her. Maybe he should say something. Maybe he should touch her. But he was literally frozen.

"Spencer?" Hanna nudged her way next to him.

She groaned again and opened her eyes. But this time they didn't fall back shut. This time they weren't hazy with exhaustion and medication. This time it was her. He couldn't stop the tears from flowing anymore than he could stop breathing. She was going to be okay.

"Oh, Spencer," Mrs. Fields murmured, pressing her lips to Spencer's forehead. "You're going to be okay."

Her eyes were on her aunt, and even though she wasn't looking at him he could see her fear and confusion. It had to be terrifying, to wake up surrounded by people and hooked up to machines, having no idea why or what happened. But he still couldn't move. Hell, he wasn't sure if he was even breathing.

Her hand, tubes, heart monitor, and all, slowly snaked its way up to her mouth. It wasn't until she was cupping the oxygen mask on her face that he got her intent. He gently snagged her fingers away, holding her delicate hand in both of his.

It might have been his imagination, but as her eyes swiveled to take him in he could have sworn that he saw some of the fear melting away. Good, because she didn't have to be afraid when he was there. He would keep her safe. "You need to breath, Spencer. It's there for a reason."

She shook her head and winced. He ran his fingers down her cheek. "Relax. You're okay now."

Her eyes never left his face as a nurse walked in and began to check her vitals. She smiled down at Spencer. "Honey, you're going to be just fine. Let me take this muzzle off and we'll get you set up with just something in your nose."

It was almost funny how hopeful she looked at the woman took off the mask and fitted her with some tubes. "Now just hit the call button if you need anything."

Mrs. Fields got a pained look on her face and sat on the edge of the bed. "Spencer do you remember what happened?"

"Yes." Her voice was always raspy, but this was unlike any thing he had ever heard. But even still, if he hadn't already been sitting he was sure that he would have collapsed in relief at hearing the sound of her voice. He lifted her hand slightly and pressed his lips to her knuckles. She was okay.

Mrs. Fields hesitated. "Your parents and Melissa-"

"Stop," Spencer interjected in an emotionless voice. "If they were okay they would either be here or you would be with them. So I don't need you to explain that they didn't make it."

Any progress his mending heart had made since he first saw her eyes open was destroyed in that one moment. Because maybe they couldn't see it, but he could definitely see the absolute anguish beneath her carefully constructed facade of neutrality. He leaned forward, his next words only for her. "I know you don't want to talk about it, so this is the last thing I'll say until you're ready. They obviously loved you so much, Spencer. No matter what happened back there and no matter what happens in the future, they loved you. And they'd be happy that you survived." He kissed her shiny curtain of hair and pulled away.

For the first time he felt a little pressure from her hand, squeezing his back. He ignored the tears in her eyes because he knew that's what she would want. "What can I do, Spence?"

"What can _we _do?" Hanna asked from behind him. "I better to look at than he is," Hanna gestured to him with a smile, "and I'm queen of the art of distraction. What do you need?"

He loved Hanna. As a smile cracked on Spencer's stoic face he reflected on the fact that he had truly never been more grateful for another human being's presence. If she could make her smile like that he was happy.

"I just-" she looked at everyone, her eyes ending up on Toby's. "I don't want to think."

Hanna bit down on her lip and surveyed the room before her eyes lit up. "I got it. Mrs. Fields, Emily, I need your help. Toby, you stay here and take my place as the pretty one until I get back."

He smiled and nodded. "I'll try, Hanna. But no one does it as good as you do."

"Ain't that the truth?" She laughed and walked out of the room, trailed by Mrs. Fields and Emily.

He looked down at Spencer and tucked her hair behind her ear. She licked her lips. "Do you need water?" He asked her softly. He didn't wait for an answer before leaning back slightly and grabbing the cup on her bedside table. "The nurses are better than waiters here. They kept filling it even though you were- asleep."

He supported her head as she leaned forward to drink, making sure that she didn't have to strain herself at all. When she was done he carefully lowered her back down against the pillows. "Are you in pain?" He wanted to know and also didn't want to know the answer to that. But he had to know.

"No worse than that time you threw a bowling ball at me," she smiled wryly. He knew this was all a method of deflecting her real feelings, but that was okay for now. She could focus on getting physically better before dealing with the emotional trauma.

He laughed harder than the situation called for, playing along with her game. "I still can't believe that happened."

_He picked up the heavy ball and weighed it in his hands. "What do I do with it?"_

_"Toby Cavanaugh, are you seriously telling me that you've never gone bowling before?" Mr. Hastings asked from his chair. _

_He turned to look at him with a sheepish smile. "When you guys invited me to family game night I assumed we'd be playing Monopoly or something."_

_Spencer appeared behind him. "Don't laugh at him, guys," she said in a tone that suggested she wanted to do nothing more than laugh at him. She slid her fingers down his arm until they were covering over his hand. "You just swing your arm back like this, and- Shit." He felt her back away and fall against the chair._

_"I'm sorry!" Whether he laughing or apologizing, he wasn't sure. "Oh my God, I'm sorry. The ball just slipped!"_

_"On to my foot!"_

_Mrs. Hastings stood up and took the fallen ball. "That's what you get for trying to seduce your boyfriend in front of your parents, young lady." She laughed. "That was karmic retribution it I've ever seen it."_

"Last time I try to seduce you in public," she mumbled. "Toby?"

"Hmm," he asked her, getting the impression that this was going to be more serious.

She looked down at the sheets. "Did it hurt?"

He didn't need clarification. He knew what she was asking him. "I don't think so, no. Your mom and Melissa, they- they went pretty quickly. They were gone by the time the paramedics got their. Your dad hung in there for awhile, but he never regained consciousness."

She nodded. "Did anyone tell you why I made it and they didn't?"

He hesitated. Was this conversation helpful at this point? But he couldn't bring himself to deny her anything. "No, but from what I've overheard, it sounds like you were through from the car almost immediately. Most of your injuries are from the impact and from skidding across the road. The found you in the tall grass on the side of the road about fifty feet back from where the car was. I think that's probably why you made it."

She bit down on her lip, tears welling up in her eyes. "Maybe I shouldn't have."

He shifted from his chair to the edge of her bed and cupped her cheek with a shaking hand. "No, Spence. Don't ever say that. I don't know much, but I do know that they would want this. They would want you to live a long and happy life, even if they couldn't be there to see it happen."

"I need you to promise me something," she whispered in a weak, breathy voice. She was going to fall back asleep soon, and maybe she should. She was getting agitated.

He nodded without hesitation. "Anything."

"If this gets too much for you, if I get too much for you, you have to promise me that you will go and you won't feel bad for it."

"Spencer-"

"No," she whimpered. "No, please. It's already all so much, and I can't worry about you growing to resent me too. Promise me."

"Hey," he whispered, leaning in to touch her forehead with his. "That's never going to happen," he continued as he felt her budding protests. "It's never, ever going to happen. But if it does I promise that I'll tell you."

He felt her nod and sink back a little. "Thank you."


	9. Chapter 9

**Idk how realistic this chapter is in regard to hospital policies, but it was in my head so it's getting written damn it. This is an emotional train wreck, but whatevs. I like it.  
**

**I'm actually really enjoying this part of the story, so I'm glad I didn't try to make part one extensive. Getting started on They Take Their Shots now, and it will be updated soon.**

**Love you guys! Happy PLL Day tomorrow, may it not break our hearts this time.**

**Sidenote, those of you who have been with me for awhile may remember that I had pretty serious surgery over the summer. This bulk of this chapter is based on a very real and embarrassing struggle I had with my mom and it just blossomed from there.**

Chapter 9

TPOV

Cheering Spencer up wasn't working. He wasn't sure if the others saw it, but he did. He saw it in the way she moved, in the way that she spoke. Every single thing was colored by the loss she had just experienced. He was helpless and there was nothing he could do about it. This was a new kind of vulnerability.

Hanna and Emily had returned to school three days ago, but he couldn't leave. He wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything but helping her. He grabbed the remote with one hand and took her hand with the other. "What do you want to watch?"

"Hmm," she hummed, shifting slightly. "Bad reality TV or talk shows? There are so many options this time of the day."

"Are you alright?" He looked at her, the TV momentarily forgotten.

She just shifted again. "The velcro part of my gown is scratching my back."

He put down the remote and stood up, lifting her bed into a sitting position. "Let me help."

Usually she would have protested; some line of feminist thinking that said your boyfriend, who never doubted your capabilities, couldn't help you when you needed it. But today she just nodded weakly. A week had been enough time to give her enough energy to stay away throughout the day, but that was about it. She was still much too weak. Her bruises looked worse, if anything. A nurse had told him that things would probably look worse before they got better, but he couldn't handle seeing her in so much pain. There wasn't anything he wanted more than to shoulder it all for her. Give it to him, he would happily take it. But since that wasn't an option he refused to leave her side until she ordered him away, and that hadn't happened yet.

He put an arm around her chest and lifted her back off the bed. "You alright?"

"Yeah," she breathed, signifying some kind of pain. He didn't like it, but she could barely breath without pain right now. Her cold hands curled around his bicep as he adjust her gown and lowered her back onto the sheets.

He smoothed her hair back. "Better?"

She slid her hand down his arm and took his hand, just nodded in response. "Pam?"

She had put down her book between the last time he looked at her and now. She looked at Spencer questioningly. "What's up?"

"When are their funerals going to be?"

He clenched his teeth and squeezed her hand in support. It's not that he wanted to forget about her parents or Melissa, far from that actually. He just didn't want her thinking about them to deter her own recovery. Pam hesitated. "I haven't planned too much. But they wanted to be cremated," she laughed sadly. "That was so your mom. And-"

"And they probably wouldn't want a big affair," Spencer interrupted softly. "So we find somewhere special and scatter their ashes? Maybe say a few words and play a little music?"

Pam smiled sadly. "I think that's exactly the kind of thing they'd want."

She nodded and looked down, tears welling up in her eyes again. "But I don't know if I'll-"

He gently, so gently, took her chin and tilted it upward. She wasn't a bubble, but he felt like he had to treat her like one right now. He couldn't hurt her. "You'll be able to play again, Spencer. It might now be tomorrow or even next week. But you will play again, and we can wait for you. Their ashes aren't going anywhere until you're ready to put them somewhere."

She looked at him and opened her mouth to say something. He brushed her tangled hair away from her blood shot eyes and all he could think was that she had never looked more beautiful to him. A nurse walked in at that moment, always interrupting at the most inopportune times. She quietly checked Spencer's vitals before pulling away. "Sweetie, I think you might feel better if you clean up a little bit. We took your staples out," she gestured at her abdomen. "and your stitches will be fine in the water. You could take a shower."

"I-" Spencer began, but looked down at her sheets. "I don't think that I can..."

She smiled a kind, motherly type smile. "You don't have to do it alone. I can help you," when she saw the look of horror on Spencer's face she backtracked. "or maybe your aunt. Either way, there are towels and soap in the bathroom."

"I-" She looked around, but didn't really make eye contact with anyone. "I feel like I've lost everything all in one go. I don't want to lose my dignity too."

He glanced at Pam, then at the nurse before looking back down at Spencer. "I could help you," he said softly. "if you want me to."

She looked at him with a different kind of sadness. "Really?"

He looked at Pam who looked like she was going to cry, but she nodded. "You do what you need to do, Spencer."

At Spencer's nod of approval the nurse began to slowly unhook her from the tubes and machines. "You're going to feel even weaker without the oxygen and the fluids," she warned. "Try not to take too long." She grabbed a bag type thing and started to slide it up her leg. "This will keep your cast from getting wet. Hit the call button when you're done."

He took one of her hands and wrapped the other around her waist to steady her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, she didn't talk. She had been up and walking since her surgery with physical therapy. She had taken a few wobbly steps with her crutches, but she was just still too weak to do much more. Her back was flush against his chest as he lead her to her attached bathroom. "I'm going to take your gown off, okay?" He murmured, bring his lips to her neck. There wasn't anything seductive about it. He could feel how tense she was. "Just relax, Spencer. I won't let you fall."

"I know," she whispered. "I just- thank you. I know that taking care of me can't exactly be-"

"Stop," he interrupted. They weren't going down that road again. "There's no where else in the world that I'd rather be."

He undid her gown and slid it down her arms, keeping his eyes on her face. "Okay, let me set you down for a second. I'm going to turn the water on." When she nodded he gently lowered her down onto the toilet seat, waiting until he saw that she was steady before letting her go completely. The shower took him a second to figure out, and he held his hand below the stream until it was a tolerable temperature.

Spencer looked pale, and he hated that. But he agreed with her nurse. If she showered, if she felt human again... maybe it would keep her moving down the road to recovery. "Are you okay?"

She just nodded but didn't speak. Her lips were even pale, which couldn't be a good sign. "I'm going to help you up now, okay?" He practically whispered. He waited for her nod before wrapping both arms around her and pulling her to her feet.

She collapsed into him, her hands fisting his shirt. "You should probably take this off."

"Are you sure?" He didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

Her laughter didn't have much volume, but he felt it. It felt good. "Yes, I'm sure I don't want you to shower in the only clothes I've seen you in this week. Although maybe they'd smell a bit better."

She was right. Not about the smell. He was pretty sure that he didn't stink. But she was right about the clothes. He managed to slide out of his own while still holding onto her. Instead of trying to maneuver her over the ledge he just picked her up and put her back down when they were bodily in the shower. She sighed and leaned further into him as the warm water hit her back. "You guys were right. This feels amazing."

Listening to her enjoy something was a kind of therapy that he hadn't even known that he needed. He was so scared that she would lose herself in the grief. And who could blame her, really? She lost almost everything that was important to her all at once. It was about healing now, about processing. Spencer was so logical, and he was so scared that she would decide that a life without her family wasn't worth it. He was afraid that she would push everyone else away, but maybe that was an unfounded fear.

"Do you want to wash your hair?" He was content to stand with her in the water for the rest of eternity. The world could burn for all he cared. He just wanted her. That was all that he needed.

She nodded into the place when his neck and shoulder met so he reached out and grabbed the small bottle of shampoo. It smelled generic and not at all like her. He made a mental note to have Hanna or Emily grab her shampoo. She would be strong enough to do this for herself before long, and he wanted her to _feel _like herself. He squirted a generous amount in his hands. It was more than he usually used, but she had a lot more hair than he did. "Sorry, I might not be very good at this."

"You're doing fine," she whispered into his neck. She wrapped her arms loosely around his back like a lazy hug. This was the closest they had been in weeks, and while it was one of the most intimate things he had ever experienced, there was nothing sexualized about it. This was him doing what he could to help the person that he loved the most in the world.

He held onto her with one arm and used the other to gently massage the shampoo into her scalp, running it from the top of her head all the way down to her roots. He wasn't sure if he was being too thorough or if he needed to hurry up. He had no idea how to do this. Half the time he didn't even wash his hair. "Do I need to do anything else?"

She shook her head. "I can try to finish." He let her take a shaky step back, but kept both steadying arms around her middle. She was already weak and off balance because of her broken leg. Adding a slippery shower to that was a recipe for disaster.

As soon as she started to fall he stepped back against her and held her against his solid chest. "I got you," he soothed, stepping them under the shower head. He tightened one arm and used the other to gently massage her scalp, making sure all of the soap was rinsed out. "Be honest with me, Spencer." Maybe it wasn't the best time for it, but he wasn't going to get honesty in front of her aunt. "How are you doing?"

There was a long pause. For a second he thought she had fallen asleep, but then he felt her shaking. He carefully lifted her head from his shoulder so that he could see her face. His heart tore as her red rimmed eyes came into focus. "No, I'm sorry," he whispered. He couldn't distinguish between her tears and the shower. "Please don't cry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things bad."

She shook her head frantically. "You're the only one who makes things okay." She closed her eyes, sagging back against him. "It's just- everything hurts, Toby. Literally everything. My body, my brain, my heart... everything."

He pressed his lips to her hair, to her forehead, to her eyes lids. He kissed around the edges of the jagged bruise the covered half her forehead. The blue-grey faded into sickly greens and browns. His lips brushed over the gash in her cheek, the raw skin of her neck. She still looked so broken, but she was okay. She was getting better. She had the chance to live. He loved her more than anything, and he had the opportunity to continue to love her for as long as she would let him.

As much as Spencer was the only person of consequence in his life, he did not hold that same position in hers. Spencer had a rich life full of people who loved her deeply. He could only imagine her pain because he could remember the searing agony he felt when he thought that he was going to lose her. If he had lost her there would have been no coming back from that, he knew that. So how was he supposed to tell her that this would be okay? Because if he were in her shoes it would have decidedly not been okay. "I can't promise that everything will be okay. But I can promise you that I'll never leave you, Spencer. I'm here for as long as you want me. And I'll never stop loving you. I can't replace what you lost, but I promise you'll never be short on love."

He felt her shudder. "Thank you," she murmured.

When she didn't look up he ran a hand over her wet hair. "Are you okay?" He was asking that a lot, but it was definitely a valid concern, all things considered.

She shook her head. "I'm not s-sure. I just feel weird."

She was still shaking, but this time it wasn't from her tears. He grabbed the soap and lathered it up in the wash cloth. "Okay, let's hurry and finish so you can get back to bed." He paused and lifted her around the waist again. She gasped, not expecting the sudden movement. "Sorry," he laughed, lowering her onto the toilet seat again. "Okay I think this will be more thorough than having to do it with one hand."

He took her arm and lightly brushed it with the soap, doing the same with her other arm before moving down her middle. He quickly cleaned her breasts, moving on quickly so that he didn't make her uncomfortable. When he got to her stomach he hesitated. The long, firey red scar from her surgery was the most prominent thing that he saw. He wasn't sure how to clean it without hurting it.

"It's pretty ugly, right?" She asked him faintly.

His eyes immediately whipped up to her face. "No," he said emphatically. "It's beautiful, and let me tell you why. It was one of the things that were necessary to save your life. I love you so much, Spencer. _So much. _I love you more than I ever thought possibly, and some scar? It's not going to change that. Nothing is going to change that. You're beautiful."

"You still think so?" She whispered. He barely heard her over the sound of the water.

He hadn't wanted to do this. He hadn't wanted to make this about their relationship, but he stood up and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. "Always."

She was crying again, but maybe this wasn't a bad kind of tears. He wasn't really sure. What he was sure of that her already fair skin was taking on a semi-terrifying translucent state. He needed to get her back to bed. This shower was a good idea, but not if it set her back medically. He quickly rinsed her off, dried her, and put her into the fresh gown that was by the pile of towels. He threw on his shorts and picked her up bridal style.

She mind a quiet noise of protest, but he ignored her. He was getting good at ignoring her irrational demands for unnecessary independence. He had her. He was careful to walk sideways to give her leg plenty of clearance from the door. He pressed a kiss to her hair and lowered her onto the bed. He pressed the call button and put the oxygen tubes back into her nose and around her ears. "All good?"

She nodded, pressing her forehead against his. "Thank you," she said again.

He brushed his nose over hers. "I love you."

"Did it go okay?"

He jumped, having forgotten that Pam was even in the room. "I think she just needs to relax," he said without taking his eyes off of Spencer.

He didn't want to move, but he did when the nurse came back. He watched her hook Spencer back up to the extensive machinery with diligent eyes. She was so small. She was so hurt, but he was never going to leave her. He was going to be there for the duration.


	10. Chapter 10

**Last nights episode. Some thoughts.**

**1\. Tanner is moving into my A radar. She's totally not A, but she pushed and pushed and pushed to get them arrested. When it was Wilden's death she tried to get Hanna to do something stupid so she could take her mom's place. In Mona's she did the same thing. She knew if she could get one of them convicted she could get all of them. And now they apparently get kidnapped on the way to jail?**

**2\. Toby Cavanaugh is a beautiful angel who deserves happiness and rainbows and cupcakes and puppies and the next person that hurts him is going on my life long shit list for fictional characters. #ProtectTobyCavanaugh2k15**

**3\. "I am 8." The blocks say I am 8 before they say I am A in the promo. And then the promo talks about 9 deaths. Chronologically, the 8th death is Wilden, who is probably really dead. But for US, Bethany is the 8th death. And I just wonder if this is a hint.**

**4\. I LOVED THE SPOBY SCENE. I did. I watched it about 9 times and was like a squeal-y mess. I was upset about Spencer not telling Toby about the kisses, but in a way I think she kind of did tell him about Collin, because when she walked away he looked like his life was over. And then he was like fuck it and fixed things and I love it. And now there's going to be Bro Time at the loft AND I CAN'T WAIT.**

**5\. THE CREEPY ASS TWINS WERE GRINNING WHEN ALI GOT CONVICTED. Like full on grinning. What the hell is up with that? And this brings me full circle back to my very long "Mona Never Stopped Being A Theory," that I'm not going to type because this AN is long as hell.**

**REVIEW AND THEN SEND ME A PM WITH YOUR THOUGHTS. I am determined to figure this out before they tell us. So I would love to talk with you :)**

Chapter 10

TPOV

He stood by the door, watching the aides situate Spencer in her wheel chair. He wasn't sure that anyone else noticed the way that her hands shook, but he couldn't keep his eyes off of them. It was just a slight tremor, but it was enough to make her very real fears known to him. There were too many people in the room. He wouldn't embarrass her by calling her out on it, as innocent as his motives may be. He stood beside her and grabbed one of her hands in both of his, gently cradling it.

She looked up at him, her brown eyes wide with both fear and longing. Her eyes were still framed by fading, yellow tinged bruises. The places where her skin scraped off her chin and neck were red and pitted. It would heal, but for now it looked rough and painful. She was still so beautiful. He ducked down and brushed a soft kiss over her temple. "You are so strong." He put one of his hands on her shoulder and kept the other tucked away in his larger hand. It made walking difficult, but that was okay.

"Are you excited, sweetheart? I know it's not exactly home, but it's better then a dull, white hospital room." Mrs. Fields was trying too hard to make Spencer's transport to a rehab center seem like an exciting transition.

Spencer just nodded dully, staring straight ahead. It wasn't unexpected, but her increasingly depressed state was heart-wrenching. He didn't know how to help her, and he wasn't sure that he should even try. Maybe she just had to feel this pain. Sometimes pain demanded to be felt.

The ambulance they would transport her in loomed in front of them like this kind of unpenetrable wall. Because the last time she was in one of these it was racing to save her life. And her dad was still alive. She certainly didn't remember that, but it was exactly like Spencer to make that kind of connection.

Mrs. Field glanced at him. "Toby, did you want to drive so you-"

Spencer made a noise that resembled a squeak and tightened her hand on his. Mrs. Fields looked down at Spencer then up at him. "Or-"

The EMT gave Spencer a reassuring smile. "Since you aren't critical we have space in the back for one other person."

She looked at him hesitantly. He gave her a soft smile even though his heart was breaking on the inside. How could she even think she had to ask? "If you want me to come with you I will."

Spencer nodded, her lips pressed so tightly together they were white. He ran his thumb down the length of her jaw as the EMTs got her off of the wheel chair and onto a stretcher. "Is this necessary?" She rasped.

"Company policy."

He dug through her bag until he came across a bottle of water and passed it to her. The look on her face was so outrageously grateful, and it cut him straight to the core. This isn't what her life is supposed to be like. He didn't even remember the drive to the rehab center. He was so focused on her face. Whenever she winced he winced. When she relaxed he relaxed. He knew he loved her long before this, but if he hadn't already known he would now. Because as every look of pain passed over her bruised face it was like a punch to the gut. Her pain was literally his pain. Actually it was worse, because he would gladly shoulder all of the pain in the entire world if it meant that she didn't have to go through this.

She let out a soft gasp as they went over a particularly nasty bump. He brushed his thumb over her knuckles. "You okay?"

She nodded, popping her eyes back open. "Distract me?"

"Didn't you have a history test coming up?" He was desperately searching for some kind of unoffensive topic. He didn't want to ask her about something that would make her think of her parents or of Melissa.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes. It was on the most boring of all this history topics in the whole freaking world. Manifest Destiny. The name sounds exciting, right? But it's just about a bunch of people moving west."

He would have questioned her further because that really did sound dull, but they pulled up in front of the rehabilitation center. "You ready for this?" He gently squeezed her hand. Part of him wanted to gather her into his arms and run away with her, to take her to a place with no memories and no pain. California, Europe, Antarctica... he didn't care.

She looked wary, but she nodded silently. He followed as the paramedics unloaded her from the ambulance, off the stretcher, and onto a wheel chair. Mrs. Fields walked around to them, looking at something on her phone. "Spencer, you're in 27A. Apparently it's in the duplex right behind the main office."

He looked around. This was more of a long term care facility, and they obviously worked to make it appear homelike. It was going to take Spencer awhile to get back up on her feet, to regain her mobility. And this was the perfect place for her. He smoothed Spencer's hair back as she flipped through a pamphlet. "I guess that this could be okay."

Mrs. Fields smiled. "I'm so glad to hear you say that! Toby, do you want to take her back while I get checked in?"

He nodded taking the keys from Mrs. Fields and directed Spencer's wheel chair onto the sidewalk. "This is nice."

She snorted. "Yeah, I'm sure that I'll be perfectly comfortable locked away here while I feel like an invalid. The flowers definitely will ease the embarrassment." She gestured angrily to the lilacs that lined the sidewalk.

He pulled the chair to a stop and locked it in place. He walked around in front of her and squatted down. He his hands on her thighs, tears pricking in his eyes. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

She swiped at the tears that were welling up in her eyes. "Yes I do. It's humiliating. I can't even move without help. I don't mind the cast, shit happens. People break bones. But I still am not strong enough to use crutches for more than a few steps. I can't take care of myself and I hate it."

He wanted to cry, but this wasn't about him. It wasn't about him and he wasn't going to make it about him. He took her face in his hands and waited for her to look at him. "You are always helping everyone else, Spencer. I know that you don't like it, but there's nothing wrong with taking help when you need it."

_He laughed and pulled the blanket over their heads, poking her in the side. "I like this."_

_She giggled and squirmed away from him. "What do you like?"_

_"I don't know," he mused with a smile playing at his lips. "I just- I like feeling like we're in our own little world." He didn't invite Spencer to his house often, not because he was embarrassed of her, but because he didn't want her around his parents. But they were out of town until tomorrow._

_Before she could say anything else the front door slammed shut. He sat up with a start, pulling her with him. "Shit."_

_She looked at him with wide eyes. "Is everything okay?"_

_He didn't talk. He just put a restraining arm across her chest, keeping her behind him. He doubted that his dad did anything with Spencer there, but he wasn't going to take that risk. Maybe he wouldn't even come in his room._

_"Toby-"_

_The door sprung open and he jumped, pushing her more soundly behind him. His dad stumbled inside, the stench of vodka preceding his entrance into the room. "Toby!" He grabbed the door frame to stop himself from falling to the ground. "Where are my- Oh, am I interrupting something?"_

_His cheeks were tinged with red. He wasn't sure if he was embarrassed or mad. What he did know was that he didn't want Spencer and his dad in the same room for another second. "We were just leaving," he mumbled. He grabbed Spencer's arm and pulled her up, ducking past his dad and through the door._

_His dad reached out and snagged Spencer's other arm. "Wait, wait introduce your young lady to me."_

_He froze for a second before ripping Spencer's arm away from his dad. "Don't touch her."_

_Spencer looked at him before looking back at his dad. She stuck out a hand. "Spencer Hastings, sir. It's nice to meet you."_

_He looked at her for a second, his critical eyes examining her. Toby would have been cowering away had Spencer not been here, but she didn't even flinch. "I'm helping Toby work on his history project, so we're going to the library. But like I said, nice meeting you." She grabbed her purse off of the table and walked out off the room. Toby followed her, not letting up on his vice grip on her arm._

_He glanced back at his dad, internally reveling in the dumbfounded look on his lined face. It was nice to see someone put him in his place without even trying. And in that moment he was absolute certain that he loved her._

_As soon as they were outside he dropped his protective stance and looked at the ground. "I'm sorry."_

_She took his hand. "You have nothing to be sorry for. But come stay with me for a few days."_

_"Spencer-"_

_She could hear the reluctance in his voice. Somehow she could pick his emotions out with ease. She continued quickly. "My parents are out of town on some conference, and I get kind of scared being alone anyway."_

_He laughed humorlessly and looked up at her. That was slightly manipulative but he found it endearing as hell, and he couldn't have been more grateful for her presence in his life. "He isn't always like that." Sometimes he's worse. But he kept that thought to himself._

_She nodded, but her eyes were hard. "I'm sure he's not. But that doesn't make the times that he is okay. Let's go." She took his hand and directed him toward her car. "My mom left me with some money. Let's go get supplies and make an awesome dinner."_

_"I love you," he said softly. It was still new to him, those words. But they felt more right than anything ever had. It was funny how someone went from being just another face in the crowd to the single most important person in your life._

_She smiled over at him. "I love you too."_

"It's not the same. You were in trouble, and you needed me." She protested softly. Spencer was almost every good thing in the world, but what she had trouble with was seeing the impact that she made on other people.

He put a hand on the back of her head. "And now you need me. You don't have to admit it, but you know you need help in your mind. You never left me when I needed you, and I'm not going anywhere now. _I love you."_

She made some kind of noise that sounded like a cross between a laugh and a sob. "How do you always do that?"

"Do what?" He lightly ran a finger over her lips. He really wanted to kiss her, but he wasn't going to take advantage.

"Make me feel like that even though I lost everything that maybe there's still a reason to keep going," her voice was nearly inaudible, but he heard her. "I lost everything that is supposed to matter the most all at once." She paused. "I still have you."

He leaned in and hunched over, pulling her against him. Spencer was a hard person to comfort, and he was working on instinct, but he thought that this might help her. He enveloped her in his arms and pressed his lips to the side of her head. "And you're never going to lose me, Spence. I'm here. I'm right here for as long as you want me."


	11. Chapter 11

**I am crying like an idiot right now, and I don't know if it's because I finished this at 2 am, because I'm still emotional over that INCREDIBLE finale, or because I really did make this that sad. You tell me?**

**REVIIIIEW.**

**I am going to Tennessee this weekend, so if there are no updates until after that that is whhhhyyy. Sorry, loves. And honestly, Remember Me For Centuries will probably be up next because that got almost THIRTY reviews in two chapters. Hint, hint THAT IS HOW YOU MOTIVATE AN AUTHOR.**

**Okay, posting this. Because I need to sleeep. Night, bitches (term of endearment.)**

Chapter 11

TPOV

He sat across the room, flipping through the pages of a book. He was supposed to take a test on To Kill A Mockingbird on Monday, but he didn't think that was going to happen. His eyes were on Spencer. She was rhythmically squeezing a stress ball. The deeper into her recovery they moved the more the smaller, less life threatening injuries came to the surface.

Although, her elbow wasn't insignificant. He could see the look on her face. She was scared that she wouldn't be able to play her cello again, and he didn't blame her. As untrue as it was, she believed that to be a significant piece of her identity. She didn't need to lose anything else right now, so she continued to squeeze. "Spence, do you want me to make something to eat?"

She ignored him and continued to keep her eyes on the ball. He sighed and stood up, sliding down next to her on the couch. He put his hand on her knee, but as soon as he made contact she flinched away. "Would you stop babying me?"

He worked to keep the hurt off of his face. He wouldn't make this about him, no matter what she said. "Sorry," he said softly. He stood up and was going to walk into the kitchen but Spencer grabbed his hand first.

When he turned to look at her questioningly all he saw was apologies in her eyes. "No, don't go. I'm sorry, Toby."

He sat back down and grabbed her other hand, tracing out gentle patterns with his thumbs. "You don't have to apologize to me. I-" he paused, not sure how to say what was on his mind. "I can try, Spence. But I just want to help you, and I don't know how."

She just looked down. "I don't either."

"We'll figure it out," he said softly. He squeezed her hands again before letting her go completely. "I'm going to make lunch. Is soup okay, or do you want something a little more substantial?"

She bit down on her lip, a chunk of hair falling across her eyes. He sat back down next to her and tucked it behind her ear. "What's wrong?"

"I-" She looked up at him through her eye lashes. "I just want to forget, Toby."

"I know," he whispered, running a steady hand through her hair. "I know, and I wish that I could make it all better, but-"

She took his hand, just the finger tips, and breathed in a shaky breath. "Maybe you can."

"How?" He asked her desperately. He would do anything.

She trailed up his chest with her other hand. "Make me forget."

"Spencer," he whispered, taking her hands. "Spence, we can't."

She looked back up at him with tears in her eyes. She nodded, resigned. "I understand."

"Hey," his voice was barely audible. "I love you." He took her face in his hands. "I love you, but we can't do this right now. I don't want to hurt you."

A tear slipped from her eye as she frantically shook her head. "I'm not worried about that. Even when- Even before, you were always so gentle with me." She shifted and lightly brushed her lips against his jaw.

He looked at her, his own tears welling up. "I- Spencer-" he swallowed. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

She nodded. He looked at her, scanning her body from head to toe. He ran a pair of gentle hands down her back and lowered her against the couch. How could something feel so wrong and so right at the same time? He hovered over her battered body, so careful to not burden her with any of his weight. He was so scared of hurting her, but he missed this at least as much as she did. His lips trailed down her neck, avoiding the bruised, sure to be tender, spots.

Her fingers got lost in his hair and her breath warmed his skin. He just stayed like that for a moment, relishing in the feel of her heart beating against his. God, this was such a bad situation, but all he could think in that moment was that it could have been so much worse. He could have lost her too, and for him there would have been no coming back from that.

A soft sob interrupted his grateful internal monologue. He wrenched away and looked at her with horror in his eyes. The tears that had previously laid stationary in front of his favorite brown were now streaming down her cheeks. Her breath came out in shuddering gasps. He wrenched away from her and sat back against the edge of the couch, too afraid to leave her alone like this and too ashamed to go any closer. "Oh my God, Spence I am so sorry."

She just shook her head, the tears coming harder and faster. She had been through an unimaginably horrible thing, but this was the first time that he saw her cry, and honestly that might have been part of the problem. Tears were a kind of uncontrollable thing. Once you got going it was so hard to stop. But he couldn't see far enough past his own self-loathing to grasp a hold of that. He should have known better.

"No, T-toby-" she gasped out between the sobs. "I- No-" she tried to tell him something, but he wasn't getting it.

He snapped out of his stupor and grabbed her hand with one hand and used the other to support the small of her back, gently hauling her up. Once she was stable he stood up. "I'll give you some space," he whispered, squeezing her hand before letting her go completely.

Spencer reached out and snagged his wrist, faster than he had seen her move since this had all happened. "N-no," she whimpered again. "Don't go."

She didn't have to ask him twice. He sat back down with a plop and pulled her against him. She tucked her face into his neck and cried. her whole body shaking with the force of her sobs. It took him a minute to realize that he was crying too. So he pulled her more securely against his chest and just held her. He held her and rocked her and whispered things in her ear. He wasn't sure what he was even saying, but he was sure it was something akin to the internal monologue that had been on repeat in his mind since this all began. He would always love her. He would never leave her. He couldn't replace her family, but she never had to be alone. Not even for a second. That he missed them too...

His tears only fell heavier as the last time he ever saw Melissa passed through his mind.

_"Toby? What are you doing here?"_

_He laughed. He had told Spencer that this would happen. "Spencer emphatically insisted that I wait her for her while she went to help Hanna with some fashion emergency. I told her that it was going to be really awkward when one of you caught me, but she's hard to argue with."_

_Melissa rolled her eyes and pulled a pitcher of some kind of red juice out of the fridge. "She's the most stubborn person on the planet, really." She glanced at the glass. "This is either papaya juice or tomato juice, I'm really not sure which. Do you want some?"_

_Eating anything at the Hastings was always a lesson in being open-minded. You would think that as lawyers they would have refined taste buds that enjoyed steak and lobster. But no, in the realm of food, their ex-rocker days came out. They enjoyed the ridiculous, and he just liked being around people who knew how to get the most out of life. That was something his family lacked, to say the least. "I guess so," he chuckled. He paused. "Melissa, can I ask you something?"_

_She nodded absentmindedly, pouring him a glass. "Ask away."_

_He sat down on one of the bar stools. "Do you think your parents would hate me if I asked Spencer to move in with me when she moves to Philly next year for school?"_

_Melissa looked up at him and smirked, sliding into her own stool. "Why would you think that?"_

_"I don't know," he sighed. "It seems like the typical parent reaction. But as much as I want to wake up to Spencer every day, I also don't want your parents to hate me."_

_She laughed at him this time. "I think that if you didn't look at my sister like she single handedly made the earth go around the sun my parents would be ready to adopt you tomorrow. They also experimented with pot and sex and stuff in college, so I'm pretty sure they would love to know that you were there looking after Spencer. She's basically the smartest person on the planet, but she's also prone to absolutely idiotic decision making."_

_"That's the truth," he laughed quietly. "I-"_

_But before he could thank her the door slammed shut and Spencer breezed back into the room. "Sorry, I'm sorry! I'll let you pick where we eat to make up for my abandoning you, and-" she stopped when she saw her sister. "Oh hey, Mel. I didn't even realize you were home."_

_He smiled and snaked an arm around her waist as she came to a stop next to him. She leaned into him, touching her head to the top of his. Melissa rolled her eyes at them and gave him a significant look. "I just came for the juice. Have fun kids."_

_"Don't wait up," Spencer giggled. As soon as Melissa was out of sight she ducked down and kissed him. "Because I'm ready to have you all to myself."_

Spencer's family had been more of a family to him than his own ever had and he would spend the rest of his life missing them. He pressed his lips to the top of her head. Her hair was damp from his tears, but he still hoped that it was comforting for her. He gently ran his fingers through her tangled hair from roots to ends over and over again until his fingers ached.

Still her tears didn't slow. "Tell me what to do," he asked desperately. "If there's anything I can do to make this better I'll do it."

"I don't- I don't want to feel like this anymore," she whispered brokenly into his chest. "I just want it to be over."

"What do you mean?" He ran a hand up her back and cradled her head against him. Maybe he couldn't protect her from the memories, but he would be damned if he couldn't protect her from everything else.

She let out another sob, this one almost painful sounding. "I wish I h-had died too. I know I shouldn't say that. I know I should take advantage of this or whatever, but I can't. I can't because it hurts so much."

He was crying again. Because he didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to make this better. He would do anything if he could. She already had his heart, but God, if he could give her anything else to stop the pain she could have it. Because watching her go through this was worse than any pain he would have to shoulder. He welcomed the pain if it made things better for her. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you, and I know it doesn't fix anything. I know it doesn't. But I will spend the rest of my life feeling grateful that you survived, because you're all that I ever wanted. You're just- you're everything to me, Spencer. And I love you. I-" But he couldn't keep going. His words were lost to the tears. He pressed his forehead to the top of her head and just slowly breathed in her scent. She was still there. He could feel her breathing, he could feel her heart beating. She was alive, and because she was alive he was too.

She inhaled so quietly that he barely heard it. "You're the only thing that makes this bearable, Toby. Don't ever doubt that."


	12. Chapter 12

**Haha, sorry for not warning you guys sooner, but this story is actually almost done. This chapter gave me a lot of trouble. Because, if you have read Where She Went, Adam basically gives up on Mia. Not because he doesn't love her, but because he feels guilty as hell for asking her to stay. But I really, really, really didn't think Toby would react like that. So here's my attempt. This chapter is really in two parts. The next chapter will be the last chapter, and then there will be an epilogue.**

Chapter 12

TPOV

He glanced out the window, the explosions of lightening illuminating the angry black sky. The mood outside was very reflective of the storm brewing within what used to be their sanctuary.

He looked at Spencer, and the dour set of her face twisted his heart. He was so worried about her. Throughout the course of her recovery, especially in the week since she left the hospital, Spencer had maintained an improbable level of optimism. But today that had all given way to wherever she was at today. It all started with something stupid on the TV. Some character in a sitcom talking about some immeasurable loss, that was nothing compared to what she had gone through. Ever since that moment she had been in a slow but steady downward spiral.

"Spencer." Mrs. Fields had the best intentions, but she was going about it in all the wrong ways. She reached out and wrapped her fingers around Spencer's wrist. "You have to eat something."

She shook her head, yanking her arm away from Mrs. Fields. She didn't say anything, she just sat back down and covered her face with her hands. Mrs. Fields persisted, reaching for her and roughly clamping a hand on her shoulder. Spencer shrieked and jerked away. "Just leave me alone!"

He didn't want to step in if he didn't have to, but he had officially had enough. This badgering was the exact opposite of what she needed. "Mrs. Fields," he cautioned. He forced himself to keep his voice even. She didn't know Spencer as well as he did. She didn't know any better. "Maybe this is-"

Spencer jerked up at the sound of his voice. "No! You leave me alone too!" She grabbed her crutches and let out a low, pained moan as she pulled herself to her feet.

"Careful," he said softly, reaching out to steady her.

He couldn't begin to describe the noise that came from her. It was all pained sob and enraged scream and pitiful moan. It was every negative emotion she could possibly feel wrapped up in one sound. She whirled around so quickly. He wasn't sure what was going on with her, but he certainly knew that he wasn't going to let her fall. As soon as she was in his arms she dropped her crutches and started pounding against his chest. "No," she sobbed against him. "No, just let me go."

Her fists didn't hurt. He was actually glad she was getting out some of the emotions that she so obviously had bottled deep down inside. "Spence," he whispered, directing her back to the couch. "You need to breath. You're going to hurt yourself."

"Right," she shouted, pushed at him. Again, it didn't hurt, but it caught him at the right angle where he lost his grip on her, sending her tumbling back against the couch. "Like I'm not already hurting? Like it doesn't already hurt _every single minute?_" Her tears were coming hard and fast now, her words coming out in whispy, painful sounding sobs.

He didn't know what to do. He was literally so fucking lost. Because he couldn't even come close to fixing this, but he felt so God damn useless doing nothing. "What do you want me to do?"

She looked back up at him, her eyes bloodshot and her cheeks painfully raw from the cascading tears. "Your being here is what's making it worse!" He had never heard her speak with such venom in her voice, and it hurt more than he would ever admit to her.

He just nodded blankly and blinked back tears of his own. If he wasn't helping then he would go. He grabbed his jacket and his keys and was out the door before he said something that he would regret.

"Toby!"

He couldn't even tell who was yelling at him. All he could hear was a pounding in his ears. It brought him back to a place he never wanted to be again.

_He sat up in his room, quickly strumming out a melody on his worn guitar. It wasn't in the best shape, but it felt familiar. His mom bought it for him a few months before she died, and coming back to it felt a lot like coming home._

_"Toby!"_

_He jumped as his dad burst through his door like the pop up book from hell. He just blinked, knowing that it was better to just appease his dad when he was drunk. He shoved the rest of the way into the room. "Why are you making so much noise?"_

_He hated confrontation. It was just messy and it left everyone feeling badly. But was this really a confrontation so much as straight up bullying? Because he knew that his dad wasn't going to feel badly later. "I'm sorry," he said evenly. "I'll go out for awhile, okay? Give you some peace and quiet."_

_He stumbled forward and grabbed the neck of the guitar in his clumsy hands. Toby wasn't prepared for him to jerk forward so quickly and was unable to tighten his grip before his prized possession slipped from his fingers. He watched in horror as his dad swung the guitar against the wall hard enough to splinter the face. "Your being here is what makes this bad," he slurred. He dropped the ruined guitar like it burned him and looked down at his hands. For a second Toby thought that he might have looked guilty, but it only lasted a fleeting second before he pushed through the door and walked away._

_Toby stared at the guitar. He don't know how long he stared, but as every second past he felt like his heart was splintering to match the last thing his mother had ever given him._

_Suddenly staring wasn't enough anymore. He jumped to his feet. He wanted to hurt his dad like he had just hurt him. He wanted to scream and cry and rage and break things. But that wasn't who he was. Instead he silently packed a duffle bag, throwing everything that he would need within the thin, canvas walls. He didn't know where he would go, but he did know that he wasn't staying here._

What made this situation worse was that Spencer was the only person in the world that knew that story. She was the only one that knew the effect that particular combination of words would have on him. But she didn't care.

He drove down the windy roads, lost in thought. He was probably crying, but he didn't care to check. This was what he did. This was what he always did. When things got tough he ran. He ran until he couldn't run anymore. He did it with his dad, and apparently he was doing it with Spencer now. Wasn't it easier to go before they completely broke you?

And besides, wasn't this entirely his fault? He told her to stay. He told her that if she stayed he would give her whatever she needed, when she needed it. Okay, so what if she needed to be without him? What if she needed to travel that journey to health on her own?

But was that the right move with Spencer? He thought back to his time with her... to every smile, to all the laughter and the tears, to the shows they attended together. He thought back to the pride that he felt when she got the only standing ovation at her most recent recital. He thought to the gigs he played where she was the only person that gave a shit about him in the audience. He thought about her and he instinctively knew that this was wrong. Leaving her had been a mistake. With his dad... that was toxicity in its purest form. No good came from working on that relationship. But Spencer? She was literally everything. She constantly built him up. She was his rock. She was his safe place to land.

Fuck that. Fuck leaving. He wasn't going to do that. Because no matter what Spencer thought, no matter what she felt like she knew: he knew her. He knew who she was, and maybe she did need to do this alone. And if that was truly what she needed he would let her go. But that wasn't what _this _was.

But going back didn't feel like enough. He had to make this right. He never should have left her.

He pulled over to the side of the road and pressed his forehead into the steering wheel. He could go back and he could hold her. He could kiss away her tears and sooth her nightmares. He could remind her of who she was for every single day of her life, but that wasn't enough. She had to remember it for herself.

He looked up, his pain filled eyes giving away to hope. He had an idea.

* * *

It took longer than he thought it would. Breaking into her house had been a feat, but he would have scaled the Great Wall of China for her. Climbing up a terrace and through a second floor window felt like literally nothing. He set it against the side of his truck and took a deep breath. He wasn't sure what he was going to find inside, but it was going to be a mess. Mrs. Fields wasn't equipped to take care of Spencer when she got like this. He wasn't sure that anyone was, really.

He heard the crying before he went inside. He thought that he was already broken. He didn't think he could get any lower than he already was, but God, was he ever wrong. Her sobs cut through him, straight to the core. His hands shook as he pulled open the door, and his eyes fell on her on the couch.

She didn't even look up when he came inside, but Mrs. Fields certainly did. "Toby, I don't think-"

He wouldn't lash out at her. She was just trying to help. But apparently she thought that sitting on the opposite side of the room was what Spencer needed. She could do nothing to replace her mom, that was for sure. But didn't she see that Spencer just needed reminding that she still had a family?

So he brushed off Mrs. Fields' restraining hands and crouched down in front of Spencer. "I'm sorry, Spence," he whispered. He could barely hear his words over her cries, but apparently she could. She sat up so fast he heard something crack. He moved to caution her, but she paid him no mind. She threw herself into his arms, like she wasn't at all weak or fragile. And maybe that was his mistake. Maybe that was what she needed from him, to be treated like the girl that she was before the accident. She had tried to let him in on that last week, but he hadn't listened. He was hearing her now.

"Toby," she sobbed into his neck. "I'm so sorry. That was awful, and the worst thing. And I'm sorry. Please-" She lost her words to a raspy sob. "Please just-"

He pulled her away slightly and tried to clear her face, but it was a losing battle. Instead he leaned in and kissed her with more fervor than he had since before her accident. "You are not broken," he whispered as he breathlessly pulled away. "You're not ruined and your life is _not over. _Spencer, you have to see that you have so much to live for."

"I-" She bit down on her lip. "I just-"

He smiled a little bit. "Come with me, okay? I have something that might help."

She nodded, only causing his smile to grow. The fact that she still trusted him meant everything in that moment. He wrapped an arm around her and as nonchalantly as possible he took on all of her weight and pulled her up. "Take your crutches," he encouraged. "You can do it."

She hesitated. "You think so?"

"I'll be right here if not," he reminded her. "I won't let you fall. But I think that you should try."

She nodded, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "Okay."

Once she was settled with the crutches underneath her arms he followed her out of her front door. "Toby..." she whispered, obviously seeing his intent. "I don't know if I can."

Mrs. Fields gasped as she followed them. "Oh Toby."

He didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. "Come here," he beckoned her forward, ready to explain his plan.


	13. Chapter 13

**This is short. Sorry. I'm not a fan of adding length for the sake of adding length. I said everything that I need to say in this. There's just an epilogue to go :). LOVE YOUUU. Review because your response has been pretty amazing lately. Even if you've just been silently reading... this story is almost over! It's one of your last chances!**

**Life update since a few have asked me. I haven't found my specific teaching position yet, but I just pasted the last test I have to take! So I am highly qualified to teach secondary World History, US History, US Government, World Governments, Geography, Citizenship, and US Foreign Policy! WOOO! Someone has to hire me, right?! Haha.**

Chapter 13

SPOV

She just stared. Maybe it was for five minutes or maybe it was a lifetime. But she couldn't take her eyes off of the cello leaning against Toby's truck. It was everything that she wanted but everything that she didn't think that she could have. She was barely hanging on. If she picked up her cello and found that she couldn't do it- she was scared that she'd fall completely into the hole. She was afraid that she wouldn't be able to find her way out of the darkness.

Toby shifted in front of her and took her shoulders in his gentle hands. She loved him. She loved him with this indescribable kind of feeling. She knew in her heart that she never had and would never again feel this way about another human being. She loved him and it meant so much more than the three words strung together. It meant everything in the world. Those words belonged to him. She didn't need time. She didn't need to see what else was out there. She just needed him.

His hands ran up her neck to her cheeks. As always, his clear blue eyes gave the impression of seeing right through her. "I'm not going to make you do anything. But I promise you, I really believe that this is what you need Spencer."

She tried to divert her gaze, but his hands were unrelenting. "What if I can't do it anymore?"

Sometimes it was hard to decipher exactly how someone felt about you. Sometimes it was hard to judge their feelings. But she never had that problem with Toby. His love for her was tangible in the way he touched her and looked at her. She could tell how important she was to him in every move he made. His eyes were radiating with emotion as he leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. "We'll figure it out. But I think that you'll feel better if you try."

"Okay," she whispered, without even meaning to. She felt her face paling as she looked at her cello. If she couldn't do this she had officially lost everything that mattered. She looked back at Toby. Well, almost everything.

She tucked the crutches back under her shoulders and gritted her teeth as she swung her legs forward. It hurt, but it felt good to be mobile. It felt good to know that she could go to the bathroom without waking someone up to help her. It felt good to have some semblance of independence back.

She leaned against the cool metal of the truck and ran her fingers over the leather case, her heart swelling at the familiarity of it. She couldn't go home, because if her life had taught her nothing it was that home wasn't a place. Home was a feeling. Her family was dead and they couldn't go home, so consequentially she couldn't go home either. Or at least that was what she thought. But right now she felt as close to home as she had since the day she had lost her family, and she had a suspicion that it was nothing to with the cello. The cello was her lifeline, but it was only there because Toby knew her well enough to know that she needed this, even if he didn't particularly understand why; even if _she _didn't really understand why.

Toby stood behind her, but he didn't speak. She just felt a hand on the small of her back, steadying her. He was always there, and she didn't know why she didn't see that before. There wasn't a single step of the way that she walked alone. "I don't know if you remember," he began quietly, "but about three or four months ago I asked you what it would take for you to play with me-"

"And I told you that I didn't think guitar and cello went together," she finished, matching his tone. "And you-" she stopped, awkwardly turning to face him. "You didn't."

He brushed the back of his hand gently over her cheek. He wasn't treating her like glass any longer, but he was always so careful with her in a way that made he stomach flip. "I started working on it that night," he whispered. "I finished it a few weeks before the accident, and I planned on giving it to you at your graduation party. But this is better. Will you play with me?"

How had she possibly gotten so lucky with him? How was it that everything she lost seemed a bit less crushing when he looked at her; when he refused to leave her despite everything that she put him through. This wasn't easy on him either, not by a long shot. But he was still here. Before she even comprehended nodding he smoothly pulled a stool out of the back of the truck and sat it against the solid looking sidewalk. "If it gets too much tell me," he cautioned.

She wasn't listening anymore. She pried open the case and took a second to run her fingers over the soft, unblemished wood. It was one of her favorite feelings in the world. She weighed the delicate bow in her shaky hands and balanced the cello between her knees. She ignored her surroundings and plucked the strings, the low tone that resulted was one of her favorite noises. It was more comforting than nearly anything else in her world. She nearly sobbed at the rough strings against her soft fingers. It had been so long since she had done this that her bruised and calloused fingers had slowly began to heal. But this was the kind of pain that felt so good.

Toby placed two sheets of music against the stand that he had somehow put in front of her without noticing. His gentle hands carefully massaged at her neck. "You ready?"

Not even a little bit. But she nodded anyway. The effort he put into this meant everything in the world. Toby started to strum out a soft and quiet melody. She waited eight counts before starting a low and haunting melody over top of it. It took maybe two notes before the tears started, falling fast and heavy. She blinked them away, focusing on the notes before her. Her body swayed to the music, curling over the top of the neck. She poured out every feeling of loss and anguish into the music. She had lost so much, but she was still standing. She was still here. She still had life to live, and she wasn't going to give up. She would keep fighting because that's what her parents would want her to do.

But even more than any of that, she was Spencer Hastings. She wasn't going to give up because that wasn't who she was. This came with what could be an overwhelming amount of grief, but she categorically refused to go under. She would hang on. She would keep fighting. It didn't matter how hard it got to breath. It didn't matter how hard it was to survive. She would do it.

And as the song ended and she slowly lowered her bow she thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Toby's hands found her arms and he helped her up and into his arms. "I'm so proud of you," he whispered into her hair. "I'm so, so proud of you."

"It hurts," she whimpered. She hated sounding weak, but she could do it with Toby. She could let Toby see her like this because she was certain that he would love her anyway. He would love her no matter what, and that's why she trusted him with her pain.

"But you pushed through it, and that's all that anyone could ask you to do. And you sounded beautiful," he said as he pulled away slightly. "And I'm sorry for running. I never should have left you."

She smiled through her tears and gently grabbed the bottom of his jacket, straightening the rumpled fabric. "You came back though."

"I'll always come back," he murmured, pulling her back against his chest. "I won't ever leave you, Spencer."

"I think I knew that," she mumbled into the fabric of his shirt. "I trust you more than I trust anyone else." She trusted him with her life... with her sanity. And as long as he was at her side she knew she would find a way to get through this. "Will you play this with me at their funeral?"

A crooked smile cracked through his serious facade. "Of course."


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank you so much for all of your support and for pushing me to write this story! You guys are pretty good at knowing what will make a good Spoby story :). On that note, They Take Their Shots and Exiles will be done soon and I have no ideas for a new story. So if anyone has something they'd like to see shoot me an idea :).**

**A few people have asked for A Walk to Remember, but I really don't think that would be different enough from Let's Go Back to the Start. But other than that...**

**Okay, review! And Exiles should be up soon :)**

Epilogue

SPOV

**Four Years Later**

Every single day that separated her from their deaths lessened the pain slightly. It wasn't so much that she was whole that she learned to work around the gaping hole that their absence left in her life. Hours would go by where she didn't think of them, and when they finally crossed her mind it would be with a fond smile and not of the searing pain that characterized the days following the accident.

Sometimes she was okay. But today wasn't one of those days. As she sat in front of the stage at her college graduation she was hit with a barrage of emotions. She was so incredibly proud of herself. They hadn't been an easy four years, but she had persevered. And today she was graduating with honors. But she was also filled with anguish. They should have been there. They should have been there with their screams and probably a cow bell that would have embarrassed her. They should have been there to take her out to dinner and to tell her how proud they were of her. But they should have been old hat at this, because even more than any of that, Melissa deserved to have gone through this first. She had worked so hard for her degree. She was grateful though, to be alive. She hadn't thought that she would be, but somehow she had found reason to keep going.

"Spencer Jill Hastings, Bachelor of Science in Psychology. Summa Cum Laude."

She stood up with a wince. Most of her injuries had healed completely, but staying in one position caused her some discomfort even still. It was something to due with nerve damage in her back, but she didn't listen too closely. As long as it wasn't life threatening she would push through it. It was only when she stood up and the wind hit her face that she realized she was crying. But she wasn't the only one with tears in their eyes, she just suspected that hers held a deeper reason. She was sad to leave these days behind. She really grew into herself as a person and as an academic. She leaned that she could overcome tragedy, and that she wouldn't let the worst keep her from achieving everything she wanted in life. But still, she would give up all of that if her family was still with her. She would give anything.

The cheers behind her caused her to smile even through the tears. Sometimes she needed reminding that her family wasn't all gone.

She took her chords and her degree from the president, and stopped to take a quick picture. When she was done she was supposed to rejoin her classmates, but she was done. She got her degree. Taking part in the pomp and circumstance seemed wrong. It was a celebration, but it was also a day where she reflected on everything that she had lost. They should have been here, and she was having a hard time justifying celebrating.

She didn't really want to be alone, but she knew that he'd see her. She ducked through a side door and through a long hallway before coming out into the main courtyard. It was actually one of the most relaxing places on campus with plentiful shade trees and a trickling fountain. She sat on a bench and unzipped her gown so that the cool breath could work its magic on her heated skin, knowing that he would join her before too long.

She heard the door open behind her, and he didn't have to say anything. She knew it was him. He slowly slid in beside her and put a hand on her thigh, not saying anything for a long moment. He just stared out at the water. She didn't know if he was searching for the right thing to say, or if he just knew that there wasn't anything that he could say to make this right. But after what felt like an eternity he turn to her and used his other hand to push back the curls that had escaped her meticulously styled hair. "They would have been so proud of you."

She had to laugh at just how well he knew her, at how clearly he saw exactly what she needed to hear today. A few more tears squeezed through. "I know," she whispered hoarsely. "It's just- It's hard today."

He nodded. He didn't try to speak or to offer her comfort that wouldn't really help at all. He just tugged her closer and held her until they heard the cheers erupt from the field house again. "I have to ask you something, and knowing you it's something you would rather have me ask when we're alone?"

She smiled. He was nervous about something, and she had no idea why. But he was outrageously adorable when he thought that she could possibly say no to anything that he asked of her. She was pretty sure that she would walk the entire surface of the Earth if he needed her to. She turned and gave him a questioning look.

He closed his eyes for a second. "I have literally wanted to ask you this for years, but I knew that I had to wait until the right time. And I'm pretty sure now is not the right time, but I know that I can't wait for another second."

Her eyes widened. "Toby?" She asked him softly.

He looked at her, and she thought that she might drown in all the love that was reflected in his eyes. He reached into his pocket, fumbling with his shaky hands, and pulled out a small box. It felt like she had an apple lodged in her throat. She couldn't even talk if she wanted to, but she didn't. She was content to just live in this moment of love and of promises forever.

Toby leaned forward and grabbed one of her hands, flipping it over so he could see the jagged scar that ran along her forearm. "Spence, when I thought I lost you- I had never experienced agony like that before. Not when I lost my mom, not when I all but lost my dad- never. And that's when I realized just how much I loved you. Don't get me wrong, I loved you long before that. Probably from the first moment I saw you, if I'm being honest. But when I thought you-" he swallowed roughly, pushing down his emotions. "When I thought that I was going to lose you I realized that I couldn't. If I was going to survive I needed you there with me. And then you got better. And I know you thought you were being a burden, bu you weren't."

He let go of her wrist to cup her cheek. "You are everything to me, and I could have spent a lifetime help you... protecting you. You could never be a burden. And in the next four years I've gotten to know you in an even deeper way. And God, Spence I love you. I love you so much. I love the way you press your cold feet to my legs at night. I love the way you get water all over the floor when you shower. I love the stupid shows you watch, mostly because of the way that you yell at the tv and laugh when something stupid happens. I love you even when you're being a pain in the ass," he stopped to smile wryly, "and if we're being honest that's more often than not. But it's okay because it's adorable. And I just- I love you. If all I get is me and you in some small house spending our nights watching reality TV and playing Scrabble, I will be the happiest man on the planet. No one has any business being as happy as you make me. So-" he took in a deep breath and popped open the velvet box, revealing a simple, but beautiful ring. She couldn't have picked out something better if she had tried. "Will you marry me?"

She didn't have to think about it. She laughed and wrapped both arms around his neck, bringing his lips in for a passionate kiss. He responded in earnest, losing his hand in her hair and knocking her cap off with a muted thump. When they broke apart for air he leaned his forehead against hers. "Is that a yes?" He murmured, searching her eyes for an answer.

She grinned. "Yes," she breathed, leaning in for another kiss.

Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to come out the other end as the person that you were meant to be. And this? This was who she was meant to be. She had Toby, and that was all she needed to be okay.


End file.
